


The Truth Untold

by The_Ghost_King



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (initially), Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Bands, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Tony Stark, Bucky and Loki are in a Band but it's not really important, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, I wrote this instead of dealing with my depression, It Might Take a While, Loki and James are in a band, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicide Attempt, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Sam Wilson, War Veteran Steve Rogers, eventually, like a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 14:31:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Ghost_King/pseuds/The_Ghost_King
Summary: Tony tuned out the rest of their conversation, the amorous banter sent sharp stabs of loneliness and pain through his heart. And longing. Longing for something that he’d never have especially not after this. He stared down and inched his feet closer and closer to the edge tipping forward and-.“This garden is filled with blossoming lonelinessI tied myself to this sandcastle filled with thornsWhat is your name?Do you even have a place to go?Oh could you tell me?I saw you hiding in this garden.”Tony doesn’t know whose singing it is, doesn’t know the song, doesn’t know anything whilst the verses reverberate through his head except those words and the soothing wistful tone in which they’re sung.---Or a lot has happened to Tony by the time he's 21 and coping is hard. Dying seems like the easy way out, the best way to give the people what they want but on the nights that he tries a song stops him and then he meets Loki and James who show him that dying might be the easiest way but living can be a lot more fun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first fic in a while, I hope I haven't lost my charm.  
> So this work is unbeta'd which is the end of the insignificant things.
> 
> TW:  
> So, in this chapter Tony has two suicide attempts, whilst one is more an attempt than the other. the first is non-graphic, just a slight nudge at what is happening it's more focused on Tony's general train of thought, if you want skip from "tony arrives at the bridge" to "When he heard them"  
> The second one is not particularly graphic either skip the paragraph that starts with "Instead of perching on one of the pillars." and start reading again at "He was yanked back"  
> besides these two there are minor descriptions of panic attacks and there are some hurtful comments people have said to him but those are either in italics or in bold.
> 
> Let me know if I should mention anything else and please enjoy!

Being drunk is not the way to go, not after Howard. So Tony’s tipsy at best. Enough alcohol in his system to take the edge off but not enough to stop him from functioning. He’s outside in the middle of the night walking towards the bridge that he’s been dreaming about and figuring that tonight would finally be the night that he’d tip over the edge and never wake up again. Because what’s left for him when his parents thought of him as a disappointment. His godfather tried to have him killed, his best friend had more important things on his mind than dealing with ~~his shit~~ Tony and the only person he thought could ever love him broke it off because, “I love you, Tony but you’re killing yourself and I’m not watching you do this to yourself.”

She’d stayed on as his CEO but their relationship was purely professional nowadays. Besides the bots and JARVIS no one came to visit him anymore, no one contacted him to ask how he was doing, he couldn’t remember the last time another person had touched him affectionately, he was beyond touch-starved but his anxieties stopped him from seeking out simple affections in fear of betrayal and hurt.

Tonight would be the night to go, to leave, no one would miss him. Not him, irresponsible and brash and otherwise flawed. His affairs had all been sorted, his leftover projects compiled for R&D to make belief, his belongings for Pepper and Rhodey to share because he trusted no one else like he trusted them.

Tony arrived at the bridge and looked over the edge, saw the water rushing beneath it and a sense of calm washed over him at the realisation that this would be the last sight he’d ever see. Would this fast-running water be his legacy? Anthony Edward Stark not remembered for his brilliance but remembered for his broken, bloated, blue body found downstream after he’d jumped over the railing. Stane would be laughing in his prison cell, amused by how Tony did himself in after his own failed attempts.

He moved to the side of the bridge next to one of the stabilising pillars, with a little ledge in front of it, his hands were shaking, up here no one could see him if he stood just right, no one could stop him from tipping over, nothing between himself and endless rest.

He could hear the river rushing beneath him and he looked down as he tipped his feet forward, he felt his body sway, felt himself almost tip over but not yet. He continued to look at the water and was ready to tip himself over when he heard them.

“This is your fault James,” an accented voice said, it was smooth a little jagged, slightly breathless. A low chuckle followed it, “Of course it is Lo, but it does take two to tango, y’know?” someone else said, their voice had a low, comforting timbre, and a drawl to it reminiscent of Brooklyn. A low groan followed the statement, “The only reason why I stay with you is your drum skills.”

“You sure there’s no other reason?”

“Very.”

Tony tuned out the rest of their conversation, the amorous banter sent sharp stabs of loneliness and pain through his heart. And longing. Longing for something that he’d never have especially not after this. He stared down and inched his feet closer and closer to the edge tipping forward and-.

“ _This garden is filled with blossoming loneliness_

_I tied myself to this sandcastle filled with thorns_

_What is your name?_

_Do you even have a place to go?_

_Oh, could you tell me?_

_I saw you hiding in this garden.”_

Tony doesn’t know who's singing it is, doesn’t know the song, doesn’t know anything whilst the verses reverberate through his head except those words and the soothing wistful tone in which they’re sung. It fills something inside him that he’d thought forever empty. But he’s too cold and frazzled and aching to pursue whatever sound had stirred something inside him. Instead, he sinks down on his knees on the stabilising pillar and watches the water until the sun colours the sky a bloody early-morning red. Then he drags himself back home and curls up on the floor the moment he’s inside. Too tired to move any longer, too tired to bother reaching the alcohol cabinet and to get drunk enough that he’ll just pass out. Instead, he stays on the floor, cold creeping into his skin and joining the freeze in his soul even though he knows JARVIS must have turned the heating up the second he lay down on the floor. He closes his eyes but doesn’t sleep. Just lets the darkness hold him and he wonders if death will be this dark, cold and melancholy. He focuses on the dark knowing he’ll find out sooner rather than later.

\---

He startles awake hours later because of a hand brushing faintly against his cheek. He unfolds himself and bolts backwards, crossing his arms over his chest. Who was touching him? How’d they gotten in? Why wasn’t JARVIS saying anything? How do you breathe?

His chest hurt and his lungs burned and someone was saying his name but it wasn’t JARVIS, where was JARVIS? Had something happened? Had ~~Obi~~ Stane escaped somehow? Was he here to finish the job? Was this going to be how he’d d-.

“Good afternoon, Sir. You are currently in Malibu, it is 2.35 PM. Average temperature and clear weather. Miss Potts was the one to find you and she touched you to see if you would wake up.”

Tony’s breathing is still erratic, his skin is crawling and a bone-deep exhaustion is seeping back into him. He looks up at his CEO, worry and hesitation present in blue eyes. He smiles knowing that it doesn’t reach his eyes and says a half-hearted, “Hey Pep.” At his words she surges forward. Stepping back when he flinches. She moves carefully, projecting her movements, hurt evident in her features, and sits down across from him. All Tony can focus on is the silent hurt emitting from her every cell because he had failed to communicate _again_ , and he hadn’t told her about his deteriorating mental health _again_ , and he was still refusing to go see a therapist. He saw the hurt and translated it to the correlated disappointment because at age 21 he understood that all his actions warranted disappointment. Maybe not at first but with time he always managed to disappoint, it was part of his moniker. He’d realised such a simple fact longer before Stane had his parents killed, long before Jarvis died. He realised such a simple fact the first time he built a circuit board and his dad threw it on the ground telling him that if he was ever going to take over Stark Industries he’d have to come up with something actually useful and not some toy. He’d been almost five at the time and the phrase, “ _Stark men are made of Iron.”_ was his constant mantra.

Pepper shook him out of his thoughts with concern filled words and led him to the kitchen where a cup of coffee was already being brewed. There was no other food in the house, Tony hadn’t expected to return and need any. Besides, he ate very little either way. Sometimes he wondered if the malnutrition and caffeine overdose would do him in but it never happened.

Pepper had him look through some papers and sign a few proposals, he took in her features wistfully. Knowing that this would really be the last time he’d ever see her. Strawberry-blonde hair for his CEO who’s allergic to strawberries. Blue eyes which showed him the expanses of the universe once, they’re just blue now. Her hands are still soft and she’s still rigid in her professionalism. She cares, but only because his well-being is integral to the company’s functioning, for now. In his will, he’s put all executive power as hers. Rhodey would get custody of his bots, Happy’d get his car collection, even though most of it had been his dad’s, Bruce would get the lab and everything else would be sold and the profits would go to charity. So he’d be repenting even after his death.

“Tony?” He blinked in confusion, right, Pepper.

“Anything else you need me to sign?” he asked. She shook her head.

“No, I-, Tony are you alright?” There was real concern in her voice, and her eyes, in every one of her features. Tony barely stopped himself from flinching, _Stark men are made of Iron_ , and he smiles at her.

“Perfectly fine Pep, I’ve just been busy with some new ideas for the past few days. I’ll catch up on some shut-eye tonight. Promise.” She seemed appeased by his answer and made to turn, but he didn’t want her to go, don’t go, _please don’t go-_ , **Iron.** _Made of Iron._

“Pepper.” he stopped her, just before her back would be completely to him.

“Yes?” she said expectantly.

“Thank you for everything, I know I’m a pain to deal with most of the time and I really appreciate all you’ve done for me,” she looked stunned, but he wasn’t done yet, he had one more thing to say. Everyone else had been told already, “Love you, Pep.” And those three words might have seemed a little out of order for Tony’s normal behaviour if you asked Pepper but just like Rhodey, Bruce and Happy she hadn’t caught on to the finality behind them.

“Love you too Tony. Will that be all Mister Stark?” she asked sweetly.

“That would be all Miss Potts.” The only reason why he didn’t start crying as soon as Pepper had left the premises was the mantra edged into his brain. _Stark Men are Made of Iron._

He got changed into his rattiest clothes and lay down on the floor yet again, waiting for JARVIS to tell him it was 11 PM. The cold aching feeling of loneliness was seeping back into his bones and, unlike other times, he welcomed it.

 

\---

 

This time he went to the bridge slightly earlier but with more resolve than before and without any alcohol in his veins. He had tied up all loose strings, and once his death was confirmed Independence Day protocol would be initiated and things would fall into place.

With every step he took closer to the bridge, wearing nothing but a ratty shirt, faded jeans and an old pair of sneakers, it felt like a burden was falling off his shoulders. When he saw the bridge relief, blessed sweet _relief_ came over him and he knew that this would be it. This was it. He giggled a little manically and walked on, single-minded determination dragging him towards his goal.

Instead of perching on one of the pillars like he had yesterday he went straight for the railing and climbed swiftly over. Which wouldn’t have happened if he had been anything but sober. He could feel the railing behind him, he was still holding onto it but not for much longer. He closed his eyes, replayed some of the memories he had of moments that he hadn’t fucked up, of people who weren’t yet aware of how much of a failure he was, people who he hasn't disappointed yet. He pressed his eyes shut tighter and let go of the railing. He moved his feet ever so slightly and he felt the rest of his body shift, ready to tip him over into the void. He was tipping forward, waiting for the moment he’d officially be a falling projectile. He had never felt as ready as he did in that moment, he figured it was faith’s last middle finger to have his most stable moment be right as he was about to die. He tipped forward further and he could feel his feet starting to slip off the bridge and once they did there’d be no turning back. He opened his eyes and his vision was tilting, panic settled in his stomach but he locked it away. _Stark men are made of Iron._ he’d face his death because he was the one to choose it.

Tipping, tilting, almost, almost falling, water rushing, blood pumping, falling, falling, fall-

He was yanked back and over the railing violently by a hand clasped around his upper arm. There was no reason for how he reacted then because he’s supposed to be _made of Iron_ but all his brain conjured up was images of his dad and pain and bruises and then Ty and loss of autonomy, loss of agency and so much _hurt_ and it needed to stop.

“Please stop, please stop, please stop.” Tears were hot on his face and his emotions were vivid enough to cause him physical pain and he wanted it to _end_ . But the pain didn’t stop, vaguely he felt the hand let go of him but it didn’t ease the pain and _fuck_ he couldn’t breathe and there was something, someone, talking, soothing without touching and Tony was still erratic and adrenaline was pumping through him, putting his body on full alert because he’d almost fucking died, and the tears wouldn’t stop.

The soothing voice was still speaking and his breathing was slowing down but he didn’t _need_ to be soothed, he didn’t deserve such a luxury, not after everything. _Stark men are made of Iron_ . Made of Iron, Made of Iron. “Made of Iron, Made of Iron.” Fuck, he was so _weak_ and _pathetic_. He couldn’t do anything right, not even dying and fuck, fuck FUCK. Now he was just sobbing, the great Tony Stark reduced to a suicidal sobbing mess. The press would have a fucking field day and he would be able to tack it onto the list of reasons why he’s a failure and unworthy of the Stark name.

_“God Tony you’re so useless, how can anyone expect anything good to come from your existence at all?”_

_“I never actually liked you, you understand that right? I just needed some access to SI’s more useful places.”_

_“Tony, Tony, Tony, the kidnapping was planned, and so was_ **_the accident_ ** _.”_

_“You’re so naïve. Guess I’ll have to do something about that.”_

_“Stark men don’t cry. Stark men are made of Iron.”_

And he was back where he started, sobbing and gasping for breath. They should have let him fall, why hadn’t he fallen? Why’d they save him? He didn’t deserve saving, not after everything he’d done, not after all the disappointment, not paying attention, all the mistakes. For all his mistakes, for all of his mistakes alone he deserved to d-.

_“This is a hymn for the hymnless, kids with no religion_

_Yeah, we keep on sinning, yeah, we keep on singing_

_Flying down the highway, backseat of the Hyundai_

_Pull it to the front, let it run, we don’t valet.”_

It was the voice, the same voice he’d heard yesterday, singing again and his frantic state of mind became rustic as the singing kept on. Cold, slender fingers lead his hand to someone's chest and he could feeld their heartbeat. Feel them inhaling and exhaling. 

_“Sorry if you’re starstruck, blame it on the stardust_

_I know that I’m perfect even though I’m fucked up._

_Hymn for the hymnless, don’t need no forgiveness_

_‘Cause if there’s a heaven, don’t care if we get in._

_This is a hymn, hymn, hymn for how we live, live, live”_

Air, lungfuls of it, Tony’s body relaxes with every gulp until he’s a boneless, tired sack of flesh. He opens his eyes slowly, not remembering having closed them and looks up at his saviours.

The first thing he notices are the eyes, two emerald and two silver, and in their eyes there is worry for a stranger. The pain in his chest intensifies, the scars throb, but his breathing doesn’t intensify. He stays calm. _Iron_.

Green eyes has sharp features, like he was carved out of marble, high cheekbones, sharp nose, thin lips and black shoulder length hair. Braided and resting on his shoulder. Something about him is cold.

Grey eyes is military, ex-military going by the long hair, but discharged not too long ago because  his expression reminds him of Rhodey. Rhodey who would have come home to the news of his dead best friend. Fuck he’s an asshole. Ex-military guy’s long hair is tied up in a man bun, he’s got a shadow of stubble on his cheeks and chin and he’s statue-esque in his stature. Even his concern has military discipline to it. It’s grounding. He wonders if they’re expecting him to talk, wonders if they’ve recognised him even though it seems unlikely. With his ratty clothes, the bags under his eyes and his three AM shadow.

Grey eyes moves to speak but Green eyes stops him with a look, Tony can see the conversation happening before his eyes and he’s envious. He adds envy to the List. Green eyes is the first one to speak, his voice is melodic and soothing. Tony knows without a doubt that this is the man who sung to him.

“My name is Loki,” Green eyes says, “and this is James,” he points at grey eyes, “What’s your name?” Tony is silent, worried because he can’t move his tongue, it’s like a leaden plack in his mouth. He hears Tiberius whisper from behind him, “ _use your words Tony, come on, you’re supposed to be a genius, speaking can’t be that hard, can it?”_ He gasps for breath and his voice is barely above a whisper when he answers, “Tony.” Loki smiles at him and it’s warm but he doesn’t trust it. His dad’s smile was warm, Stane’s smile was warm, Sunset and Ty their smiles were warm and all of them hurt him. Something must have shown on his face because Loki’s smile falters and Tony adds it to the List of things he’ll beat himself up about later.

“Nice to meet you, Tony,” Loki says, “Is there anyone we can call for you?” Tony shakes his head. “Okay, is there anywhere we can drop you off?”

“I don’t want to go back,” he whispers and Howard is reminding him that it’s _Iron,_ he’s made of _Iron_ and his current behaviour isn’t worthy of the Stark name. It isn’t worthy of anything at all.  

“You could come with us, if you want. We’re playing at a bar tonight, it’s a ten minute walk away from here. You up for it?” That’s when Tony notices the guitar case on Loki’s back and the drumsticks sticking out of James’s pockets. He nods and they help him to his feet.

Together they walk and Tony wants to glance back at the bridge but he doesn’t. It’d be an useless sentiment and Stark men don’t believe in useless sentiments. Stark men are made of Iron.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a few announcements to make. The first being that this fic will probably update every Tuesday and the second being that school has started again so I might not be capable of keeping my promise. I also don't have a concise plan for this work but we'll see how it goes.
> 
> Please head the following trigger warning if you have are sensitive to topics related to sexual assault.  
> Skip over the paragraphs that start with "it's been two years" and "your only semblance of worth" it's not particularly important but does showcase exactly how bad Tony's relationship with Tiberius was.
> 
> There's also slight reference to Tony's time in captivity but nothing severe, it's the last few paragraphs so I'd advise you to tread carefully

The bar is cosy looking from the outside. Behind a semi-busy street and there’s warm light shining out through the windows. The bar’s name is plastered on a sign,  _ Pride _ written in rainbow lettering. Gay Bar. the last time Tony walked into one of those Ty had dragged him out and made him feel like death would be more merciful.

Loki and James kept him between them as they walked in and Loki lead him to a table whilst James went off to talk with someone, all he saw was a glimpse of blond hair but it made his stomach churn.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Loki asked, succeeding in saving Tony from having to think about his failed relationships any longer. He shakes his head no. He’s not hungry, and his mouth and throat might be dry but that doesn’t mean he should drink something. In these moments he misses the burn of vodka sliding down his throat. But he’s quit drinking, the heavier stuff at least. There's a difference between being buzzed and the black-out drunk he’s been familiar with. After Stane he hasn’t had one moment where he hasn’t been alert. Inebriation and other things that numb him have been sworn off. He can’t feel either way and he won’t allow himself to be pulled under further. The only alcohol he has at home is beer. 

He’s been silent for too long. Loki is staring at him and Tony is waiting for the reprimands that will surely follow. Ty used to get mad at him whenever he didn’t speak, but Loki wasn’t doing anything, he just looked at Tony, with a half smile and sadness in his eyes. Tony wonders once more why he hasn’t died yet. Why did Loki and James bring him here? Why didn’t they leave him to die? Everyone else would have, because he didn’t matter to them, not enough. That was a harsh but understandable truth. Tony Stark was annoying was a fact, just like all his other bad qualities. 

“Tony?” Loki asks and Tony snaps back into reality with a shake of his head. 

“Yes?” he answers, his voice is grainy from disuse and he wants to rip his vocal chords out if it means he won’t have to listen to himself anymore. 

“We have to go up soon.” That’s when he notices James and the blond buff guy is right behind him. He’s vaguely aware of Loki’s voice, explaining to him what the matter is but his eyes stay fixed on the blond. 

It’s been two years since he escaped  ~~ Ty’s  ~~ Tiberius’ clutches, one year since he’d last seen the bastard but seeing one guy that semi-resembled him dragged Tony back. Back to lonely MIT days and being a scared sixteen-year-old having sex with another guy for the first time. It brought him back to taunts and insults, being on the verge of panic constantly. It reminded him of dicks forced down his throat unwillingly and Ty telling him that this was all he’d ever be good for, quickies and blow jobs.

“Your only semblance of worth is as a little slut Tony, there’s no other reason for people to love you, no other reason for others to tolerate you,” and fuck he couldn’t breathe. No oxygen was making its way into his body and he was woozy and light-headed and still looking at the blue-eyed, blond-haired Not-Tiberius and the guy moved as if he wanted to help or something and Tony flinched violently. His breaths were still too quick and shallow and he felt disgusted with himself, he’s fucking loathsome, gross. Ty was right and Howard would be so disappointed in him, more than he’d already been because Stark men were made of Iron and Tony was a disgrace. Would always be one. And, and, and-. 

The blond was gone, no longer in his line of sight and instead Loki stood there and Tony couldn’t hear what he was saying through the ringing in his ears but Loki kept on going, not touching him, just talking and talking until Tony’s breath came back to him and he wasn’t dying anymore. 

He looked Loki in the eyes and glanced at James. A bone-deep aching exhaustion seeped into him. Weariness corrupted his muscles and he wanted nothing but to apologise. Because he’d been a nuisance to them, had made them take care of him, he should’ve been competent enough to take care of his own shit, they shouldn’t have to deal with it. 

“You should’ve let me fall,” he says and both their eyes widen. Loki moves to speak but James beats him to it. 

“No, we shouldn’t let you fall and if I had to choose again I’d still yank you back from the edge.” He looks Tony in the eyes and says, “You deserve to live Tony.” 

Tony searches James’ face for any indication of an unspoken lie but all he sees is concern and determination. James’ honesty buzzes beneath his skin. Tony is unsure of how to react to it, unsure of how to show his gratitude because few people have been honest with him, few people have thought him worthy of their honesty. So he gives them a quiet thank you and apologises for the inconvenience he’s been. Loki and James glance at each other but they don’t speak. Instead, they move him to a seat closer to the stage and order hot chocolate for him. He wants to protest but doesn’t when Loki sends him a look. They leave him alone then, move backstage and the only thing keeping him alive is the hot chocolate burning down his throat and warming him from the inside out. 

He’s still tired.

\---

Loki, James, Not-Tiberius and a black guy whose name Tony doesn’t know walk on stage. James takes a seat behind the drum kit, Not-Tiberius and the black guy have guitars, Loki stands in front of the microphone. For a second Tony thinks he’s looking at him but he chastises himself for his delusional thought. Loki can’t even see him from this angle without turning his head and he’s done no such thing. 

Loki introduces the band, the Avengers, and apparently Not-Tiberius’s name is Steve and black guy’s name is Sam. The band mainly does covers and they start with ‘Kamikaze’ by a band called Walk the Moon. 

The song starts and Tony is lost to the music.

_ “Here in this room, I’m chasing down my demons _

_ I can hear them breathing but who knew…” _

They play song after song and his mind is at ease and he’s finally taking in the bar around him. Steve doesn’t look like Ty at all and when he looked at James he noticed something silver reflecting light around his wrist, where the glove slid up whenever he held his drumsticks a certain way.

Tony’s thoughts haven’t been this calm since Jarvis, the real one, the dead one, last spoke to him. Right after he found out about Sunset’s betrayal and a few months before his parents died. A month later Jarvis had died too, and fourteen-year-old Tony, almost done with his first year at MIT drank himself into a stupor for the first time so he could forget what feeling was. Because the only emotions he could remember were hurt and sadness.

“This is the last song of the evening,” Loki declares and someone off stage hands him an acoustic guitar. Sam and Steve unplug their guitars and sit down on the stage. Loki quickly strums his guitar and then nods for James to start a slowish rhythm.

_ “Please don’t go, most nights I hardly sleep when I’m alone.” _

Loki’s voice is soft, tender, each word and each tone telling a story of its own. A silence has fallen throughout the bar and everyone is listening intently to Loki. Tony sees people holding hands, sees two girls looking shyly at each other. Two guys were kissing behind him and some people had tears running down their cheeks. It made for a pretty scene. Loki and James on stage, setting the tone, love and longing in Loki’s voice. The people in the bar, hugging, holding hands, kissing, whispering endearments against each other’s lips. Tony felt an aching loneliness settle in his stomach, so bad it hurt, but he plastered a smile on his face and ignored the burning behind his eyes.  _ Stark men are made of iron _ .

The song ends and Loki and James make their way down the stage as applause reverberates through the bar. Tony stays rooted to his spot. Looking at the stage, his hands around the hot chocolate gone cold. He was lost in thought and flinched visibly when he focuses again and sees Loki standing in front of him. Loki’s eyes dim and Tony is already beating himself up in his thoughts. Why is it so hard for him to make people happy?

“What did you think?” Loki asked and Tony made an effort to smile at him, it wasn’t helping if he looked at Loki’s eyes.

“I liked it a lot,” he said, “ the last time I enjoyed a concert to this extent was be-, was a long time ago.” Loki didn’t pry and Tony was grateful, even though Howard was whispering his cowardice in his ears. 

“Loki,” James said and Tony exhaled in relief when Loki’s focus shifted, “I think Steve and Sam need some help to put their instruments away, backstage.” Loki nods, understanding that James wants to speak to Tony alone and Tony understands too. 

The moment Loki leaves the table to go and help the others backstage Tony starts to fidget with his fingers, nervously looking around the bar, never looking James in the eyes. Eventually, his gaze rests on the now cold hot chocolate in his hands. 

“Tony,” James starts, and his voice is smooth and warm but Tony’s hands are still trembling around his mug. He sees, from his peripheral vision, that James reaches for him, but retracts his hand at the last second. Something inside him twists at that, at the notion that James doesn’t want to touch him. 

He can still feel the pain inflicted on him by Stane and his cronies but whenever he goes outside and people reach for him without being aware of the scars on his skin he feels both powerful and as if everything is crumbling to dust. He clutches his mug tighter in hopes of stopping his hands from trembling. 

Finally, James continues to speak,“ Loki and I, we’re worried about you, alright? Do you understand that much?”  Tony nods, “but I’m not Loki, alright? Loki will throw himself into helping you until he can’t drag himself back out anymore and I know you need help but I won’t allow him to do that to himself.” Tony nods again, his eyes are burning a little bit but he reminds himself,  _ Made of Iron _ . He doesn’t want to speak yet, is unsure if his vocal chords can really handle it, but he needs to fix this,  _ needs _ to do something good for these two who have helped him. He opens his mouth and at first no words come out but he tries again, and the words flow from his mouth like they always have. 

“I know, I know. You guys really don’t have to worry about me at all, just drop me off at home okay? I’ll take it from there.” James looks sceptical but Tony is already standing up, leaving his cold chocolate on the table and walking towards Loki, who has returned from backstage. 

“You’re taking me home,” he says and if he notices the surprise in Loki’s features when he hears him speak he chooses to ignore it.

\----

They take a taxi to his house and Tony promises both of them that he'll pay them back the moment he gets inside. He’d been planning to die that night, he hadn't taken anything with him. They try to tell him that there's no need for him to do so but he ignores them. This is the least he can do after forcing them to put up with him. They follow him to the front door and the door opens once JARVIS recognises him, he hadn’t taken his keys either. 

“Welcome back, Sir. Who are your guests?” James and Loki looked up at that, surprised and alert, trying to figure out where the sound came from. 

“These are Loki and James, JARV. They helped me out tonight. Loki and James, this is JARVIS my AI, he runs the house and basically every other aspect of my life.”

“You, you made this?” Loki asks and Tony nods, “Yeah, I graduated MIT at age 16 and created my first AI in there and in the five years since I’ve just kept on building and thinking. JARVIS is actually the youngest and-,” Tony stops mid-sentence, “Sorry, I ramble,” he replies sheepishly and turns around leading them further into the house not noticing the awe on both Loki and James their faces.

Tony wasn’t sure what to do now that he had invited the couple into his house. He was trying to be as hospitable as possible but he was also quite drained from how emotionally charged the day had been. He’d make do though, such things had been ingrained in his mind for as long as he can remember.

He leads them into the living room, telling them to make themselves at home. 

“JARVIS can help you with any of your needs, you’ve just gotta ask.”

“Where are you going?” Loki asks. 

“I’m going to get changed, I’ve been wearing these clothes for a while now,” he replies and it’s only partially a lie. He’s only been wearing the clothes for about a day but his skin itches and he feels the need to change so he goes downstairs to his lab to try and get his skin to stop buzzing.

There’s a corner of his lab set up kind of like a room. It has a mattress and a mirror and a mini-fridge, he installed it on Pepper’s insistence after she found him passed out on the floor one too many times. There’s also a drawer with clothes and as he strips he forces himself to look in the mirror.

He takes off his pants first, not yet willing to look at his arms or chest, as if his legs aren’t their own kind of special. There are intricate scars on his legs, there is no pattern to them. The men who had kidnapped him and tortured him for three months didn’t care if the scarring would look nice or not. According to them he was supposed to die by their hand, after he’d provided them with all the weapons they wanted. They just had to give him some incentive when he kept refusing. They didn’t go as far as amputating anything, they had medical supplies but not enough to keep him  _ that _ safe from infection. They only put him under the knife once a week, the rest of the time they either wrapped his head in a plastic bag and made him suffocate or got a tub of water and pushed him under,  _ under _ ,  _ under _ . There’s probably something fucked up about death by drowning after being waterboarded but most other options would mean that Pepper, Rhodey, Happy or one of the bots would find his body and he didn’t want to do that to them.

Dum-E, U and Butterfingers had actually moved towards him when he entered the workshop but he’d made it clear that he’d come back to talk later and moved to his corner. 

Now here he was, staring at the scraggly scars, some thinner and some thicker than others. All equally ugly. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and pulled them on quickly, so he didn’t have to look at himself for longer than necessary. 

Loki and James were still upstairs and if they didn’t know who he was before they’d probably have figured it out by now. Would that be the extent of their kindness? Would they demand he repay them, after all they’d had done for him? Would James take his words back and proclaim that he’d wished that he’d let Tony fall? Would the kindness in Loki’s eyes be replaced by cold, like so many before him? Something inside him ached at the thought and he focused on his clothes instead of his feelings.

His legs might be bad, but his chest and arms were much worse. His kidnappers hadn’t cared about the state they left his body in after their little stints with the knife. As long as he was patched up sufficiently by the same time the next day so he could either build their weapons or be subjected to some more  _ persuasion _ . They had never cared about how much Tony screamed, they’d just cut deeper, painted more and more skin red until he forgot what his body looked like under all the blood. Now he knew, and it made him want to scrape his skin off with a scalpel.

Scars appeared on his upper arms and collarbones, his chest and stomach as soon as he took his shirt off. They hadn’t cared about where they cut as long as it didn’t hit anything vital and it wouldn’t hinder his ability to work. There was a bigger clump of scarring above his heart where they’d had to get him surgery after he returned from the dead, because his heart hadn’t been capable of handling all of that stress on its own. The pacemaker was also how Stane had almost killed him. Localised EMP and his heart was failing and he was drowning again. The medics had gotten to him quick enough that he wouldn’t die but that was the end of the former Tony Stark, uncaring asshole alcoholic, and soon it would be the end of Tony Stark in general. He’d just have to find a quicker way.

He pulled a sweater over his head and the unnoticed tension that had snuck into his muscles relaxed. He smiled his best press smile at his reflection and made his way back upstairs. 

Time to face Loki and James.

He had no clue how this would go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you enjoyed it, I'm always up for constructive criticism and see you next week.
> 
> Songs used in this chapter:  
> [Kamikaze- Walk the Moon](https://youtu.be/t-g3wLNjSCc)  
> [Please Don't Go-Joel Adams](https://youtu.be/S2oxFIsENgM)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is quite the intermission chapter.  
> It was kinda fucking with me, I got stuck a lot.  
> I hope you find it halfway decent though.  
> Next chapter will probably have some more Steve and Sam and a bit more bonding between Tony, Loki and James. If anyone's wondering why I'm using James instead of Bucky? You'll hear about it sooner rather than later.

Loki and James were on the living room couch, in deep conversation when he stepped into it. The moment they spotted him they immediately stopped talking. As if it wasn’t obvious that they were talking about him before.

“No need to stop your conversation for me, I’m just passing through, I haven't had coffee in _forever,_ and the coffee machine in my lab is invested with decaf because Pepper abused her access codes,” he says as he moves through the living room into the kitchen. Tony wonders if they’ve figured out who he is yet.

Loki and James share a look and continue to talk as soon as they’re sure that Tony is out of earshot.

“James,” Loki starts, voice low, “this obviously isn't healthy. He went from being incapable of speaking to being the suavest fucker in the room.”

“Coping mechanism?”

“Obviously and besides his coping mechanisms, this is Tony _Stark._ We saved Tony _Stark_ , James.”

“Yeah, I know. The media is definitely wrong about him. I wonder what happened.” Loki tries to remember everything he’s heard about the CEO of Stark Industries, it isn't much. He'd always written Tony Stark off as just another celebrity but even celebrities were human, weren't they.

“Didn't he stop appearing on television as much right after the scandal with his right-hand man Obadiah Stane?” James offered, “He was an embezzler, right? And after he was put on trial Stark Industries stopped producing weapons.”

“Yes! Exactly!” Loki exclaimed, “And after that, all that we’ve heard in the news regarding Stark Industries is how they put forward reforms.”

“And this is all in his first year of inheriting the company as its CEO, that’s awful.”

The two men look at each other, feeling as if there is so much they need to find out and so much more they might never know.

Just as they’re about to delve back into their investigation, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, Tony walks back into the room, a cup of coffee in his hands.

“So, if you want I can call up a car to drive you guys back home or you can take one of the guest rooms. It’s up to you, really,” he says. It sounds listless and tired even though it’s obvious that Tony is trying to make himself seem fine. Loki and James look at each other, having another one of their silent conversations and Tony averts his gaze, waiting for a reply.

Loki is the one to speak, “If it isn’t too much of a bother we’d like to stay here for the night. We live across town and wouldn’t want to drag one of your drivers out of their bed this early.”

“Of course, okay,” Tony says and somewhere he’s relieved that they’re not leaving, yet. He doesn’t want to be alone right now. “J, do we’ve got all the guestrooms set up?”

“Always Sir, I can lead Mr Loki and Mr James to their room.” JARVIS addressing the men reminded Tony of something else and he felt like an idiot.

“Damn, tonight’s been crazy and I still don’t know either of your lasts names and how else can I pay you back later,” Tony rambles and he turns to Loki and James expectantly.

“James Barnes and Loki Laufeyson,” James says for both of them and Tony breathes, “Nice to formally meet you, Mr Stark.” And he stops. _Stark. Stark._ Of course, they had figured out who he was, how could he have been so naive.

_Don't be stupid Tony, you know better than that, right?_

His breath hitches but he coughs to disguise it and smiles at the two men seated on his couch. “Call me Tony,” he says in the voice reserved for the press, “ Mr Stark was my,” _Tormentor, Howard, The Man I will always disappoint, “_ Dad.” They nod and Tony tells JARVIS to bring them to their room as he disappears back down into the workshop. It’s time for an engineering bender, he’s caught glimpses of James’ metal arm throughout the evening and he’s sure he can make a better one. Even if James is never going to see the arm he still wants to work on it. He’s going to spend the night surrounded by the machinery he trusts more than he trusts anyone else. He can already hear Pepper and Rhodey’s voices telling him off for not sleeping but he doesn’t want to sleep because he doesn’t want tomorrow to come.

\---

Tony had given them one of his guest rooms to stay in and James had never before felt a bed this soft, growing up in one of the back alleys of Brooklyn one didn’t get much luxury. Loki had spent the night in luxurious places before but not for a while now. They hadn’t gone to visit his family in quite some time. Thor was spending time in London with his fiancee Jane and Loki’s parents were currently somewhere in the big city, attending fashion shows for their company. Loki’s mother had invited them and told them they could be flown over but they had declined. The band was just starting off and they wanted to be capable of playing as much as possible and gain an audience.

The two of them had gotten ready for bed and were now laying down, spooning. James had his arm around Loki, his prosthetic was wrapped in his coat and carefully placed on a chair in the room,  and was pressing soft kisses to the back of his neck whilst he talked.

“Where do you think he went? Should we have let him run off like that? What if he tries something?” James tries to be as reassuring as possible, trying to calm Loki down and make sure he didn’t slip into an actual panic attack.

“I think he went back downstairs to whatever that is. We can’t force him to stay with us Lo, this is his house and I’m sure he’s not going to try anything. He would’ve done it at home already if this is where he wanted to go, okay?” Loki nods.

“No reason to worry right now, let’s just sleep and see how it goes tomorrow morning, alright?”

“Yeah.” James held Loki close and lightly stroked his side. He pressed soft kisses to the back of his neck.

“We’re taking it one day at a time,” James whispers against Loki’s neck.

“One minute an hour,” Loki continues.

“One second a moment,” James finishes the mantra.  They curl up together and hold each other underneath the covers.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Sleep comes easily to both of them that night and neither is plagued by nightmares, a rare occurrence but a welcomed one. They are asleep in the same bed and tonight, regardless of how high the emotions ran, they were safe. Together.

\---

The following morning James wakes up to soft cursing coming from the other side of the bed. His eyes snap open immediately and he looks at Loki, wondering what’s wrong. Loki, noticing that he’s woken up grimaces and says, “It’s nothing, I twisted my ankle getting out of the bed, one of us left our shoes there yesterday evening.” James took a quick glance over the side of the bed and indeed there they were, the offending shoes. It were James’ boots, he must have kicked them off haphazardly last night, more accurately early this morning, because he was tired.

The two of them stay in bed for a while, snuggling, before getting up. A quick shower and afterwards their own clothes had been mysteriously replaced with new sets, fitting them well.

They stepped out into the hallway and James was about to ask Loki if he remembered how they’d walked the night before when a voice said, “If you would please follow my instructions, Sergeants Barnes, Mr Laufeyson. I can lead you back to the living room, Sir is already waiting for you there.”  James had almost forgotten about JARVIS and both him and Loki jumped when he first spoke. He also wondered when exactly JARVIS had heard of his military career but he figured that if JARVIS was an actual AI he’d have access to all his information with very little trouble. It kind of made him nervous, reminded him a little bit of the constant feeling of being monitored that captivity had made him fear.

He shook his head, snapping out of it, and entangled his and Loki’s fingers as they made their way towards the living room.

They entered the living room and were greeted by the sight of Tony and a red-haired woman talking to each other in hushed tones. James only caught the end of one of her comments, “Tony, you need to start taking care of yourself,” before she noticed them and her entire body language changed. She’d seemed annoyed before, tight-lipped and somewhat exasperated but as soon as she spotted the both of them her mouth curled into a sincere looking smile and some of the tension in her shoulders relaxed.

“You must be Sergeant Barnes and Mr Laufeyson, Tony has already told me about how you helped him yesterday night. He’s been known to forget where he is when he has a drink or two too much, thank you so much for bringing him home safe.”

James glanced at Tony, who was glaring at them harshly, _‘Don’t you fucking dare’,_ his eyes seemed to say. So when James spoke he just said, “Of course, we’re always willing to help someone out.”

“Thank you regardless. One last thing,” she walks up to them, two stacks of paper in hand, “these are Non-Disclosure Agreements. You have had access to Mr Stark’s home and have probably seen some things that we of Stark Industries would like you to keep secret. Therefore, the papers.” She hands them to them and as they look over the NDA’s she goes back to talking to Tony and handing him papers that he needs to sign. James notices how Tony’s hands shake ever so slightly but doesn’t comment on it, instead focusing on his own stack of papers.

After they’ve read through the document Loki and James both sign and hand them back to Pepper, she smiles at them before making her leave.

“Tony,” she says before she goes, “remember what we discussed.”

“Yes Pep,” he says and there’s something in his voice that James can’t quite pinpoint. Some mixture of sadness, resignation and mild despair. “Goodbye,” he tells her and although Pepper seemingly doesn’t pick up on it James hears the finality in that statement as clear as day. His grip on Loki’s hand becomes stronger momentarily and he’s glad that he isn’t holding Loki’s hand with his left, otherwise he’d have crushed his fingers. He glances at Loki and sees that he has noticed the same thing, they have a silent conversation with their eyes.

‘ _We need to keep an eye on him’_

_‘But how? We don’t know him’_

_‘The bar?’_

_‘Yes’_

\---

“I can get my driver to bring you home,” Tony says and both James and Loki look away from each other to stare at him. As if they’d forgotten that he existed. He tells himself that it doesn’t hurt him, that he isn’t bothered, but he knows he’s lying. It’s good to pretend though. Fake it until you make it, his motto. The only thing that kept him alive up until two nights ago when he decided ending it all would be the best. Yet here he was, still alive, because of the men in front of him. A part of him resented them for him and yet another part was grateful. He’d spent last night in his workshop trying to forget about everything and anything. He’d looked up information about the two men and he’d wired them a bonus.

Loki Laufeyson. Adopted son of Odin Borson, head of Asgard Inc. a major fashion company of the last years. His brother Thor was a well-known sportsman dating an astrophysicist by the name of Jane Foster. Loki was a well-known figure in the music industry, he’d been playing violin and piano for as far back as Tony could find and his recitals were beautiful. Nothing was to be found about  _the Avengers_ though. He wondered why they kept it on the down low like that. He’s asked JARVIS to send some extra money their way regardless.

Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Honourably discharged after losing his arm in captivity in Afghanistan. He’d gotten a Hammer Tech prosthesis through the military but Tony had already started drawing up the specs for something else, something _better_. Justin Hammer was and would always be incompetent and Tony had to, _needed to_ , repay those who did him a favour. It’s the only reason why people used to stay, for what he could provide for them. He worries about why exactly he wants Loki and James to stay. He worries because every time he wanted people to stay they ended up leaving because he ’d done wrong over and over and over again. It’s why he’ll over James a new prosthetic but keep out of it as much as possible. It’s shown over the years that people don’t want him around.

“That would be wonderful Tony,” Loki says and the way he utters his name makes something in Tony’s stomach unfold and it terrifies him.

“No problem at all,” he responds, “I like to help, especially after what you’ve done for me. I really enjoyed listening to you play.” Loki smiles at that and Tony forces himself not to think because, _'Y_ _ou’ve always gotten attached easily, haven’t you? Thinking that people actually like you, how stupid and naive can you be? I can’t believe it._ You _are supposed to be_ my _child. Something obviously went wrong here._

“About the bar,” James starts, and Tony’s focus immediately shifts to him, the glacial blue of his eyes makes the hairs on his neck stand on edge, “we’d like it, if you came to see us again sometime, if you want?” he says and at first it doesn’t compute at all. They’re inviting him. Him? Do they have the wrong person? Don’t they know who he is, the awful things he’s perpetuated, the wrongness he’s spread? Are they unaware that they’re currently conversing with a monster?

“I’d love to,” Tony says and it’s true, he really wants to but somehow he’s convinced they’re kidding and they’ll only briefly remember him when the news of his death appears on TV.

“When’s your next performance?”

“Tonight, actually,” James says, “we could pick you up beforehand? Introduce you to the rest of the band? The VIP tour?” And Tony wants to refuse, he really does. James doesn’t get what he’s signing up for, doesn’t understand the monster he’s bringing into his sanctuary but he doesn’t refuse. The affirmation has left his mouth before he even realises it and he tries to blame it on the pleading look that had been present in James’ eyes but he knows that he’s just that weak. Just that pathetic.

_The moment anyone shows even the slightest interest in you-you follow them around like a dog. Heel, Tony that’s what pathetic creatures like you do. They heel at the feet of their masters._

Loki and James tell him that they’ll see him that night, they’ll come to pick him up sometime around seven pm and he smiles at them and tries to play up the excitement when all he is drained.

They finally leave and Tony makes his way back down to the workshop. “JARVIS,” he says, “Play me some AC/DC and draw up the specs for the Sarge’s new arm. No rest for the wicked.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
> Leave some comments for me down below, every comment I get is fuel for the fire.  
> See y'all next time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've returned! The fact that I've kept with my posting schedule so far is a miracle but like it's good.  
> I hope everyone enjoys and until next week!

It’s seven pm on the dot when Loki presses the bell of Tony’s house. He’s a little nervous, a little jittery, but that's just his constant state of being. It’s amplified by his worry for Tony and he is glad to be holding James’s hand. The point where their fingers intertwine, the roughness of James’s palm and the steady pulse he can feel strumming beneath his fingers is keeping him grounded. Making sure he doesn't float off on a cloud of worry like so many times before.

They’ve been dating for one year but they’ve been together for all their lives. Loki may have grown up in a mansion together with his older brother Thor but the public school they went to was in the part of Brooklyn where James lived with his best friend Steve. Steve, who now plays in the same band as them. Steve, who’d called James ‘Bucky’ since they were young and couldn’t make himself stop for the first year after James returned from Afghanistan. Tortured, on edge, anxious and forever changed. Sergeant James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes had been honourably discharged soon after and had proceeded to come live with Loki in his apartment on the other side of the country for that first year after Afghanistan because he’d changed and no one seemed to be aware of it.

Loki had helped James through his panic attacks, helped him go to his therapist, held his hand and provided comfort.

Loki had been there for every step of James’s recovery. He’d been there for every panic attack, every nightmare, every time he woke up and thought he was still in captivity. He’d been there when he told Steve that he wasn’t ‘Bucky’ anymore, that he’d rather have people just stick to James. 

He’d been there the year afterwards when Steve wouldn’t talk to them. Steve had gone back into the military, back to the front line and when James had uttered, “I’m not Bucky anymore, Steve,” he’d been mad. He’d been so incredibly mad and Loki had seen the signs, had seen James’s triggers, could feel the difference in the air and hear the change in James’s breaths. So he’d stood up, he’d stood up and stepped in front of James. Planted himself like a tree, and with trembling hands but a strong voice he’d asked Steve to leave.

Steve didn’t take it well, he’d said that it was all Loki’s fault, too busy grieving his best friend, or who he thought he was, to take anyone else into consideration. He’d stormed out, left for his next tour a few days later and they hadn’t heard of him for a year. The night Steve stormed out was also the first night Loki and James shared a bed, but it wasn’t the first time Loki held James whilst he cried.

Steve had come back into their lives through Sam, his boyfriend, a counsellor for veterans who’d contacted them to set up a meeting because Steve didn’t know how to. That had been just before they started dating and now they were a year along, with Steve back, even though their relationship was rocky, and a band. 

The door opening pulled Loki out of his reflective thinking, he looked ahead and was expecting to see Tony but all he heard was, “Sir is waiting for you in the living room, please make your way there, if you please.” Loki gripped James’s hand tight, squeezed and waited for him to squeeze back, then they walked in.

\---

Tony was waiting for them in the living room, tapping away on his tablet from the couch, but as soon as they walked in he stood up and smiled at them. The smile was almost convincing but Loki knew the plastic of those smiles well, he’d grown up in a world made of them after all. Tony had too but where Loki had been cherished by his family and close to them he felt as if Tony didn’t have that.

He’d always known that he wasn’t Odin’s biological son but neither one of his parents nor his brother had treated him lesser for it. He was them eternally grateful for the stability they’d always provided. From what he’d heard about Tony and looked up since he’d gone home he probably hadn’t had the same experience. It saddened Loki to think of this.

“Good evening, gentleman,” Tony says and the smirk that he throws in after is mildly flirtatious, “I see that you are dressed to the nines and ready to perform.” Loki does a double take at that because compared to last night this Tony is way more forward and more sexual but also incredibly artificial. An image forged to please.

Loki decided to indulge him, allow him to feel in control of the situation. James and he are wearing their normal attire for a performance. An ensemble of black skinny jeans a white T-shirt and an open short-sleeved dress shirt for him and biker jeans with a black t-shirt and his favourite leather jacket for James and gloves as always. They change it up sometimes but they’ve been playing more recently and have decided to keep it simple for those reasons. 

“You don’t look all too bad yourself,” James tells Tony and Loki has to agree with him. Compared to last night, when Tony looked like a college student in their finals week, he now looks like a rather charismatic and pleasant guy. Slacks, a shirt of the sort and a jacket. It’s simple but sophisticated and it’s tight in all the right ways. Apparently, when Tony tries he tries well.

“Flattery will get you  _ everywhere _ ,” Tony says and the flirtation and innuendo in his voice is so incredibly  _ evident _ and somehow Loki is drawn to it, he knows that James is too. The leering is nothing more than a facade, nothing more than another mask but Tony wears it well and Loki and James are both weak men. It’s part of why they fell for each other, the easy and witty quips. The other part being the emotional support the other provided. 

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Loki and James respond simultaneously and proceed to raise an eyebrow at each other. 

“Well look at that,” Loki starts.

“Indeed,” James replies and there is a glimmer in his eyes that makes Loki fall in love all over again. Especially because he knows how long it took before that glimmer was there again. He squeezes James’s hand tightly and he knows that there’s a lovesick smile on his face when James squeezes back.

They are brought back to reality when Tony coughs awkwardly, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders slightly hunched, the seemingly easy smile on his face looks somewhat strained around the edges. Something squeezes in Loki’s chest at the sight of it.

“Let’s go,” Loki says and they proceed to make their way outside. The bar is within walking distance so the three of them saunter towards it calmly.

“What time are you guys up?” Tony asks. 

“Around nine, there’s this other band called  _ The Guardians _ that’s playing first,” Loki replies.  _ The Guardians  _ are a fun group, they tend to cover a lot of 90s and 80s music but they do it well. Their lead singer Peter Quill is also a friend of the bar’s owner. Stan’s been running it for longer than most people that go there have been alive.  

“We kind of have a rotation between us,  _ The Guardians _ and  _ The Defenders _ . Stan, the owner, puts up a roster every month based on how much people liked the performances the previous month and we pick our songs accordingly. Yesterday night was a patron’s night so we played something sweet and something rebellious because a lot of them are activists or have been or are involved with the movement.”

“That’s cool,” Tony says, “Is there any way I can help?” The question doesn’t really take Loki by surprise, by then he’d understood that Tony is actually a rather selfless person who likes to help others, unlike what his media persona portrays him to be. 

“Well, you can make donations and the such, there’s a bunch of LGBT+ organisations across the nation that are in need of support and if you comment on the issue once there’ll probably be a huge uproar solely because you’re a media figure. But you’re not obliged to do anything that you don’t want to.” Loki figures that Tony probably zoned him out the moment he spoke of Tony holding no obligation in regards to the movement but he still hopes that Tony is aware that not everything is his problem to fix. The man’s got to rest sometime.

They arrive at the bar quickly and Loki and James lead Tony to the backstage area. There are different doors with the names or logos of the bands on them. They stop in front of a door with a large red ‘A’. Loki opens the door and all of them are met with the sight of Sam and Steve enthusiastically making out on the couch. Tony is momentarily taken aback but neither James nor Loki are phased in the slightest. 

“Get off each other you fucking horndogs,” James says, “we’ve brought a guest and you’re not making a great first impression.” Sam and Steve jump apart at the mention of a guest and Loki smirks. The little twats don’t care if they’re scarring either one of them for their lives, they just care if the guest that sees them is. The two men stand next to each other sheepishly, their clothes still rumpled but Tony is chuckling as he walks up to them. 

“Tony,” he says, “ I probably didn’t make that great of an impression yesterday night but we all know how it gets sometimes.” his voice is easy, charismatic, full on media and charm. Neither Sam nor Steve is easily charmed though, they’re both war vets and nothing impresses the two of them anymore. They’re also probably aware of who Tony is and Loki hopes that they’re too decent to mention it. 

Sam introduces himself first telling Tony his name and Tony asks him if he knows Colonel James Rhodes at which Sam nods enthusiastically, apparently the two men are friends. Whilst Sam and Tony discuss their mutual friend Steve is standing off to the side, his face twisted up in deep thought. Loki doesn’t like that look, it’s volatile. When Steve was but a stick it meant that he was considering whether his actions were a good idea or would get him broken and bruised again. Most of the time it ended in bruises, because Steve lacks preservation instincts and because he likes to fight. The war didn’t mellow it out, to a certain extent it amplified it even. Seeing all the destruction and death around him had made him colder and harsher and Loki had a feeling that he sometimes forgot that he wasn’t some small fry from Brooklyn anymore but that he was someone people were scared of, someone others looked up to.

Steve makes to speak and Loki hopes that he says nothing, does nothing, to make the anxiety and stress return in Tony’s posture. Steve speaks and he says,“ You’re Stark, right?” 

The atmosphere in the room became cold as ice, Tony’s conversation with Sam halted and both Loki and James locked their eyes on Steve, glaring at him something fierce. Tony turns towards him and Loki sees the media facade slip back into place after it had lifted ever so slightly during his conversation with Sam.

“The one and only,” Tony replies.

“I knew your dad,” Steve says and although Tony tries to stop himself from flinching Loki sees the tremor in his left hand. 

“A lot of people did,” Tony says and his voice is all playboy, billionaire, genius, philanthropist. It’s all plastic, even more plastic than the easy smile Tony draws on his face, even more plastic than his laid-back posture and Loki shudders at the thought that this could have been him, if his family hadn’t loved him as much as they do. “You’re not particularly special for having known the old man,” and his tone takes on something vicious.

“Howard was a good man, I spoke to him on his weapon’s demonstrations, he cared about protecting the people a lot. He’d be disappointed seeing what you’ve turned the company into. What you’re doing in general.”

The smirk is still on Tony’s face as he replies, but his eyes are glass balls, empty and void of emotion. 

“Howard’s just afraid of the future, and apparently so are you.” Tony walks out of the room and Loki and James make their way out after him. Just before they close the door behind them they hear Sam raising his voice, but they don’t pay attention to his words. They’ll talk to Steve later, Tony is their priority right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I don't hate Steve, I just think that he can be a bit blind to things he already has a set view of.  
> He thought of James as his best friend and it took him time to come to terms with that James wasn't _his_ Bucky anymore. Also; Tony and Steve don't mix well most of the time but Steve'll turn around and Tony will let his guard down a bit. Eventually. ~~_Probably_~~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back with another short chapter. I know I know, I'm sorry.  
> School is a bitch. Next week will probably give you a longer chapter because I have some more free time.  
> I'm so thankful to anyone who has left comments and who has let me know that they're enjoying the story.
> 
> Also: this chapter we get Tony's POV after he storms out. It's nothing particularly triggering, the brunt of his panic attack happens off screen but there are things that might make people uncomfortable. So please tread carefully

Tony’s steps are quick but his breaths are quicker. He should have been expecting this, this is what always happens, but he’d let his guard down. Loki and James were so nice to him and Sam was sweet and knew his Rhodey and they were sharing stories but Tony can’t have nice things. 

_ Nice things are for good boys and good boys don’t misbehave, or do they Tony? _

Steve, Tony had heard about Steve before actually. Steven Grant Rogers had been one of Howard’s friends until about a year before the accident. Howard hadn’t shut up about the guy, told Tony again and again that he should be a bit more like Steve. That he should have that same patriarchal blood flowing through his veins. That he should be as good, or even better than Steve because Tony always needed to be  _ better _ . 

He wasn’t ever good enough.

Tony hadn’t realised that he was outside but he was leaning against the wall in the alley behind the bar. Tears trailing down his cheeks because it’s always going so fucking  _ wrong _ . Everyone always knows him, knows who he should be, knows who he is supposed to be but when will they just let him be? When can he be just Tony, instead of Tony Stark? When can he go back to the days when he was little and Howard was absent a bit more and his mum called him, “ _ Antonio, mio tesoro Antonio. Mio gioia. _ ” He’d sit on her lap and she’d sing Italian nursery rhymes to him and kiss his forehead.

Then he built his first circuit board, then he got his first circuit board destroyed. Then he was backhanded across the face for the first time and heard his dad slur his name drunkenly. His father was the first person to make him hate his name, his mother’s distance made him hate everything else. The only good parts of his childhood had consisted of the Jarvis’ and then later of Rhodey and the bots.

He sank down against the wall, sitting crouched, head on his knees. His hand was tapping a steady rhythm against the scar where they had implanted a pacemaker and later replaced it. His breathing was irregular and hitching because of the silent sobs wracking his body. He’d learned how to cry silently early on and he’d learned how to keep all his hurting to the inside soon after. Yet here he was, sobbing in a back alley like some fucking lunatic all because of some guy's issues with him. If he could see him now Howard would be so disappointed in him and his mother, his Mamma, she’d be indifferent. In the way she’d often been after that first incident.

Tony was a fucking mess, he could taste the tears and snot on his lips and he knew he was probably whispering nonsense, asking himself stupid questions, wondering out loud.

“What have I done  _ wrong. _ What’s the matter with me that no one likes me. Why do people think it’s okay to  _ hurt _ me.  _ Why didn’t they  _ love _ me _ ?” He was sobbing and shaking and he wanted to go home and he wanted his Rhodey and he wanted Jarvis and Ana and he wanted to not be alone for once. But he was alone in the ally. It was just him, his tears and every one of his flaws laid out before him.

\---

James and Loki split up to look for Tony. They went to separate ends of the bar and asked people if they’d seen him. James was the first one to be told of a man that fit Tony’s description. Apparently he’d speed-walked out of the back entrance to the bar, his hands balled into fists. James motions for Loki to follow him and walks ahead, towards the back entrance.

James opens the door and initially things he’s been misled. The alley seems silent, and he can’t see anyone around him. Then he hears it, the slightest intake of breath. Barely audible but it sounds like a choked breath. Like someone who is trying their best to stay quiet. James listens and slowly moves in the direction of the noise. He’s been moving quietly, equipping his military training to sneak up on whoever is making the noise. He sees a dumpster and walks past it.

Tony is curled up in a ball next to the dumpster.

He’s on the ground, his clothes ruined by the dirt. His hands are tearing at his hair and his chest is moving erratically. James can’t see his face but from Tony’s body language he gauges how he must be feeling. He’s shaken and seems to be exhibiting the symptoms of a panic attack. James carefully steps closer, trying not to make too much noise. Trying not to startle Tony or make his symptoms worse.

He crouches in front of Tony and asses the situation for a second. From this close it’s obvious that Tony is having a panic attack. His hands are clawing at his skull through his hair and there’s the faintest whisper of noise coming from his mouth. His chest is moving quickly, his breathing is barely audible but quicker than it should be and James isn’t sure what to do. Touching Tony doesn’t seem like the best course of action after the last times that he’d tried that and Tony had flinched back. Loki had touched him that first time on the bridge but that had been after Tony’d calmed down a little. After he’d regained some autonomy. James had a feeling that Tony was barely aware of his surroundings right now. He didn't want to upset him further when he was already in such a delicate state of mind, somewhere so close to falling apart. James knew what that was like, he also knew how glad he was whenever anyone pulled him back from the edge. 

“Tony,” he said, his voice soft. Just above a whisper as to not startle the younger man. Tony showed no external reaction to his name being called nor to James’s voice. So James tried again, said his name again, slightly louder this time. 

Tony’s head moved and James could finally look at his face. His hands were still clawing at his hair and his eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, tears streaming down his face. His breathing was erratic and mucus dripped from his nose. Tony was looking at him, but he wasn't seeing him. His gaze was blank. Something inside James went cold at the sight and a simmering anger towards Steve made itself known as well. He suppressed it in favour of focusing on Tony. His top priority right now.

James lifted his hand and reached out slowly, stopping abruptly when Tony flinched. Whispering soft reassurances to him and then reaching out again. He could hear Loki somewhere behind him, opening the outside door and walking in their direction but he was too focused on Tony to do anything else. Slowly but steadily he reached out to Tony until he could remove his hands from his hair. His left arm was still gloved, so it felt softer to the touch but there was a glint of metal visible at the wrist. He ignored the slight discomfort the sight of his arm gave him. Instead he held Tony’s hands in his and pressed them to his chest. Telling Tony to breathe with him and counting his inhales and exhales, “In, one, two, three, four. Out, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.” He repeats this over and over until Tony’s breathing slows and his hands become less tense, his posture becomes less and less rigid and when his breathing is completely back to normal he slumps into James immediately. Something in James’s chest sparks at the notion that Tony has no problem with touching him. Not like he had two nights ago when they first met him.  

James cradles Tony in his arms and lifts him carefully. Tony’s head is resting against his chest, his curls are sweaty and plastered across his forehead. His eyes are still swollen but in his exhaustion, he’s painting a fine line between heartbreakingly vulnerable and gloriously beautiful. Tears clinging to his eyelashes and his hands softly grasping James's chest. Tony leaning into him slightly but in a way that would allow him to move quickly as well. As if he wasn't expecting the warmth to last. James wondered what had happened to Tony, who had hurt him for this to be the result. He wanted to know the name of every person that had contributed to Tony's current state and  _make them pay_.

Loki and he lock eyes. The light in Loki’s eyes makes James's anger recede. Tony is going to be fine, everything is going to be fine. Other things are to be worried about later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah that happened.  
> There's going to be some more stuff next chapter. Steve isn't going to be a dick next chapter either. It'll all be starting to get better. Also! More music next chapter. A bit about why Loki and James Love music so much maybe? Maybe a bit of how James fell for Loki? Maybe Psycho by Muse tbh, that song is the best thing ever.
> 
> Please leave a comment and until next week!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone it's me ya boi (sorry)  
> I'm so happy with all the comments I've received they're great for motivation and I hope y'all enjoy this chapter
> 
> PS: Links to the songs mentioned in this chapter will be down below in the notes.
> 
> TW: there's some mild homophobic language in the second bit after the line break, nothing too bad but tread carefully. Besides that there's some allusions to abuse and rape, in the third bit after the line break as well. Again, it's very light, alluded to more than anything else but do tread carefully.

They walk back into the bar silently and quickly. Making sure that no one spots them with Tony.  _ The Guardians _ are playing their last set of the evening and the crowd is dancing eagerly to the music. It provides James and Loki with the necessary distraction as they make their way back to the changing rooms. No one spots them and when they enter the dressing room Steve and Sam are nowhere to be seen. 

“I’ll get a blanket,” Loki says and James gives an affirmative hum as he moves towards the couch. He puts Tony down carefully, his head on a pillow and the rest of his body laid out in a way that won’t obstruct his breathing. Loki comes towards them with a blanket and James lets go of Tony to take it from him. As soon as his hands leave Tony’s body he whimpers and turns in their direction, curling in on himself slightly. It tugs at James’s heartstrings and he quickly wraps the blanket around Tony. Making sure he’s as comfortable as possible.

“When are we up?” he asks Loki.

“About 45 minutes,  _ The Guardians _ have their last set right now and I asked them to put in a few extra songs.” James smiles, Loki’s always fixing things, he always knows how to make it easier. They work together seamlessly. Anticipating what they want or plan to do before they even know it themselves and with one shared glance they already know what they’re going to do next. Lok grabs another blanket and James lifts Tony up so they’re spooning. Loki soon joins them on the sofa and they doze off.

That’s how Sam and Steve find them thirty-five minutes later. Tony wrapped in blankets and cocooned by James and Loki. At the sight Steve’s mouth twists in a combination of dislike and guilt, Sam shoots him a look. He walks towards the trio on the couch and carefully wakes Loki first.

“We’re up in ten, you and James have to get ready,” he says and Loki shoots up, stilling the moment he realises that he’s jostled Tony and that the other man is moving because of it. They wait, Loki visibly holding himself as still as possible as Tony continues to sleep and then carefully nudging James whose eyes snap open without him moving any other muscle. The two of them manoeuvre around carefully but quickly and in five minutes they are both untangled from the mess of limbs and have Tony wrapped in blankets. Loki quickly writes a note in case Tony wakes up before they have returned explaining what happened and where they are. Both Loki and James are ignoring Steve whose face is tinged with remorse and regret. There is still a stubborn set to his jaw indicating that he is not yet ready to apologise. 

They move backstages and Loki speaks, going through their setlist once more.

“First set is  Muse ,  AC/DC and  Black Sabbath .  _ Psycho, War Machine, T.N.T, Shoot to Thrill, Back in Black, Iron Man. _ ” The others nod, Steve isn’t looking him in the eye. “Second set is  Imagine Dragons, Panic! At the Disco  and  Fall Out Boy _ , Natural, Ready Aim Fire, Girls/Girls/Boys, Young Volcanoes. _ We’re ending the night slow again with some  Lauv ,  Jeremy Zucker  and  Ruel .  _ I Like Me Better, Paris in the Rain, Never Not, comethru, Don’t Tell Me.”  _ As he finishes his little reminder  _ The Guardians _ play their final chords and make their way backstage under load applause. 

_ The Avengers _ walk onto the stage, James clutching his drumsticks gently, Loki and Sam holding their guitars like they are precious diamonds and Steve resting his hands on the keyboard keys with the utmost care. They wait for Loki to introduce them and then Sam’s bass melody drowns out all their worries and they fly.

\---

Tiberius Stone had been following Tony for a while now. As in, ever since they broke up a good few years ago. He hadn’t kept close tabs on Tony, that would be impossible with Colonel Rhodes and Tony’s AI, but he’d continued to notice the man. Waiting, staying low, not giving anything away until he saw an opportunity to strike. Waiting until his victim felt secure to then come and devour him.

Ty had seen him that first night on the bridge. Had seen his Tony standing on the edge, ready to tip over and he’d almost made himself known. Almost told the useless little fuck that he wasn’t allowed to die by his own hand, only by the hands of others, only by  _ Ty’s _ hands.

He’d breathed out in relief when Tony had stepped away from the edge, hadn’t realised the type of trouble the two men that had made him do so could be. Hadn’t realised it until the following evening, until Tony’s near brush with death and those two fucks taking him to their gay bar. To their sinful place filled with lust-driven messes of the mind. 

Ty remembered a conversation he had with Howard Stark before the man died. They had spoken to each other often when it concerned Tony. Howard said that he only trusted Tiberius to keep his mess of a son in check. Ty said that he was happy to be exalted like this and he still was. Howard Stark might be dead but their conversations still had meaning, Ty knew what was best for Tony, no one else could. Especially not an ex-military man and some fashionista’s son.

_ ‘Tony needs a hard hand _ ,’ Howard had told him and Ty had made that ring true. Tony and him, didn’t have a relationship, Tony just thought they did. Ty had always been keeping him in check, had been keeping him out of other trouble to earn Howard’s praise. And he’d earned so much of it.

He’d made sure that Tony was obedient, that Tony would listen, that Tony would bend and break and  _ crawl _ when asked to. Tony listened over and over again, thinking that it would make Ty love him, Tony hadn’t understood, still doesn’t understand that he is  _ property _ . He owes the world his intellect, owes the world weapons and he dared, he  _ dared _ , to stop doing the only thing that gave him any worth. 

Ty was back in town to make Tony understand, to make Tony see the error of his ways and for Tony to go back to where he should be. Underneath Ty’s feet, listening to his every word, pleasuring Ty and his friends and anyone else he asked. Making weapons to protect Howard’s legacy and never doing anything else.

Ty had seen him go into that bar again the following day, this time walking with the men that had kept him from being foolish and he knew that Tony had found himself someone knew to clamp onto.

‘Tony, Tony, Tony,’ he thought, shaking his head. ‘Still as foolish as ever.’

Tony had always thought that if he just tried hard enough, and was sad enough people would like him, but they wouldn’t. Tony didn’t have a personality, Tony was who Howard and Ty had shaped him to be. He was who Obadiah and Sunset had made him, he should accept that and if he didn’t, if he didn’t  _Tiberius was going to remind him_.

\---

Tony woke up feeling groggy and unsure. He was back in the backstage room, wrapped in blankets on the couch they’d caught Sam and Steve making out on. He couldn’t fully remember what happened after that. There had been an argument of sorts, Steve had said something, something hurtful, something about Howard and _fuck_. Tony had had a panic attack, he’d totally gone and had a panic attack fucking fuck. 

_ Tony panic attacks aren’t real, what do you have to panic about, stop being dramatic, or I’ll have to  _ **_make you_ **

A breath caught in his throat at the reminder of Tiberius words and his subsequent actions, he rubbed at his arms and neck, checking himself for wounds or bruises but there was nothing. There hadn’t been anything there for years now, nothing inflicted on him by Tiberius that is. He could instead feel the raised scar tissue on his arms and envision ugly lines covering him everywhere.

After Afghanistan, after everything, he’d be too vile for even Tiberius to want him and Tiberius had never wanted him beyond the way children wanted their newest toy. He’d discarded and broken Tony until there was no fun for him left in it, then Tony had escaped and never let the fucker anywhere near him again.

He wonders where Loki and James are, he even spares Sam and Steve a thought. Then he notices the note put down next to the couch. The handwriting on it is crisp and loopy. The type of serif that looks like calligraphy. It’s pretty, Tony likes it. He’s always liked pretty things. He holds the note in front of him and reads it. 

_ Dear Tony,  James and I are currently on stage. If you want you can come sit in the bar and watch us perform but if you prefer to stay in the backstage area we will completely understand _

_ Loki _

Loki’s handwriting is almost as pretty as the man himself is a thought Tony catches himself having and he immediately shakes his head. Loki is in a relationship with James, James and Loki love each other, neither of them would ever see him as anything but a burden and when those thoughts didn’t deter the feelings stirring in his stomach he thought of Howard and Tiberius. 

_ No one fucking likes you Tony, they put up with you because they have to, because you’ve got something they want. Money, fame, a good fuck. They don’t stay because you’re no one worth staying for _

_ Come on  _ **_child_ ** , words spit with venom,  _ of course the kids in your new class aren’t talking to you, I wouldn’t either, now get out of my sight. Design something useful and stop your winging.  _

Tears burn behind his eyes but he doesn’t let them fall.  _ Stark Men are Made of Iron _ and Tony can’t afford to show any weaknesses, not any more than he already has. He’s slipping, he’s a mess, everything is awful.

He is _Tony_ ** _Fucking_** _Stark_ and he’s not going to let his own uselessness, his own goddamn incompetence stop him. 

He gets up slowly, carefully, and lets the blanket fall off of him. He checks himself in one of the mirrors, straightens out his clothes and makes his way back into the bar. He can already hear Loki’s voice filtering through and he’s more than ready for whatever the world might throw at him.

\---

Tiberius Stone sees Tony walk back into the bar from the backstage area. His hair artfully messy as always, his everything else is still  _ Ty’s  _ and will never be anything but. Maybe tonight will be the night that a long overdue confrontation happens. Ty is almost looking forward to it, is almost looking forward to the tears that will no doubt fall from Tony’s pathetic weakling eyes. He can’t wait.

His Tony is returning to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, Tiberius Dun Dun Dun. This is going to lead to an _interesting_ course of action  
>  Either way, I'm out, See you next week!
> 
> Music list:  
> [ Psycho - Muse](https://youtu.be/UqLRqzTp6Rk)  
> [ War Machine - AC/DC ](https://youtu.be/5ydMwunUytU)  
> [ T.N.T - AC/DC ](https://youtu.be/pR30knJs4Xk)  
> [ Shoot to Thrill - AC/DC ](https://youtu.be/vcgTBzhKVe8)  
> [ Back In Black - AC/DC ](https://youtu.be/pAgnJDJN4VA)  
> [ Iron Man - Black Sabbath ](https://youtu.be/8aQRq9hhekA)  
> [ Natural - Imagine Dragons ](https://youtu.be/0I647GU3Jsc)  
> [ Ready Aim Fire- Imagine Dragons](https://youtu.be/wJMWRJDKg5s)  
> [ Girls/Girls/Boys - Panic! at the Disco](https://youtu.be/Yk8jV7r6VMk)  
> [ Young Vulcanoes - Fall Out Boy](https://youtu.be/2ZvHkOAtUYQ)  
> [ I Like Me Better - Lauv](https://youtu.be/a7fzkqLozwA)  
> [ Paris in the Rain - Lauv](https://youtu.be/kOCkne-Bku4)  
> [ Never Not - Lauv](https://youtu.be/VT_hLby9uSY)  
> [ comethru - Jeremy Zucker](https://youtu.be/Yp4yF5hb89I)  
> [ Don't Tell Me - Ruel](https://youtu.be/eE48SVjGMUc)
> 
> So that's the music in this chapter, also coding is difficult and takes a Lot of Time with longer but repetitive stuff like this ugh ugh ugh


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insight on Steve and Tiberius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah,   
> I haven't read over this one much because it's really late now that I'm posting it, sorry. Let me know if there are any glaring mistakes.  
> Music will be listed below again. Please enjoy!
> 
> TW:  
> So Tony's general intrusive thoughts are still a thing and there are some mentions of past abusive, physical.   
> Tread carefully if that's a trigger for you

Steve knew that what he’d said to Tony earlier was wrong, he just wasn’t ready to admit it yet. He wasn’t ready, hadn’t been ready to admit a whole lot of things in his lifetime. It’s why he and ~~Buck~~ _James_ , he and _James_ , had yet to make up completely. He’d been working on it though, with Sam and his therapist. War had changed him, sometimes Steve worried if it had ruined him. He remembered when he was younger, when he was tiny, he used to take his sketchbook with him everywhere and he used to play melody after melody on the piano whenever he could. From classical music to old school rock, pencil drawings of animals and Bucky, fuck no, _James,_ in full watercolour. 

He looks at Loki, he’s standing centre stage, his voice heavenly and breathy as he sings of a city flooded by rain and nostalgia, as he sings of love. He looks at James for a second and something inside of Steve throbs, after Bu- James came back from Afghanistan things had gone to shit and one day Steve had lost it. Because Bucky was saying he wasn’t Bucky anymore and he was looking at Loki the way he used to look at Steve. Like he was the centre of the universe, like he was  _ home _ . Steve hadn’t been capable of handling it, so instead he’d almost ruined their friendship. One of Ruel’s other songs  _ Younger _ comes to mind. It’s about friends growing apart and about losing sight of the innocent person you once were. Steve identified with that more than he liked to admit.

There was movement in the crowd. Steve could barely see it through the spotlight. He barely noticed how someone moved to the front, to very near the stage and then it was immediately clear that it was Tony. He was looking at Loki and occasionally glanced at James. Steve saw something in his eyes that reminded him of shattered glass, pulverised and never to be reassembled again. It made his bones ache.

He regretted what he’d said to Tony, he just couldn’t take it back. He’d known Howard, had known a man who cared about his work, who cared about his legacy, who cared about the good of the American people. Tony had seemed to disregard all of that. Until he disappeared for three months and came back to immediately quit weapons production and kick out Obadiah Stane. Then he’d almost disappeared from the public eye and when Steve had heard the news he hadn’t known what to think. On one hand, he’d been glad that Tony was safe but on the other, he still remembered the reckless teen that lived life on the edge whilst Howard ran the company and something inside of him had written Tony Stark off with it. Then James and Loki had dragged him backstage and they were expecting him to not tell him exactly what he thought of all of this? Howard would be disappointed if he saw what Tony was doing instead of running the company. SI needed a CEO it could trust, a CEO that would devote all his attention to the company as Howard had. But, no. This wasn’t sound reasoning, he was letting his perspective of the situation colour his judgement again. He doesn’t know anything about Tony, doesn’t know anything about how much he puts into the company or not. He shouldn’t be judging him if he doesn’t know.

The last set is over before they know it and as Steve moves backstage he notices Tony leaning up on the stage and saying something to Loki who smiles. It’s a special kind of smile, a little soft at the edges. Steve knows that it’s almost the same smile that Loki always sends to James. Something churns in his gut but then he sees Loki walk towards James and they converse softly. Then both glance in the direction where Tony had stood and James too wears that soft smile. Steve doesn’t like it, but he tears his gaze away when Sam puts a hand on his shoulder. This isn’t his business, Loki and James are their own people. He has no say in what they do or don’t. Not anymore, not after everything.

\---

Tony feels a bit more alive as he makes his way to the stage. Loki has his eyes closed as he sings, moving his body to the music, dancing around the stage a little, it’s nice. To see him happy like that.

Tony spares a glance at James and his eyes are closed too. He’s focused on the music, his head moving up and down with the beat and his hair hanging around his face. It’s kind of breathtaking to see the both of them on stage like this. Loki’s somewhat timid presence becomes larger than life and James lets go of the military discipline that he hasn’t lost much of yet.

Tony likes looking at them like this, likes looking at them  _ happy _ . It’s a realisation that turns something in his stomach and a chill creeps up his spine. This shouldn’t be happening, this really shouldn’t be happening. His hands tremble and his heart squeezes in his chest. He goes a little bit breathless and sways slightly. He straightens himself quickly and plants his feet steadily on the ground. There’s a plastic smile making its way back onto his face and it turns into a real one when he locks eyes with Loki.

_ For as long as I live and as long as I love  _

_ I will never not think about you _

Loki sings and something in Tony’s chest shifts and then snaps into place and he’s already panicking because it’s only been what? Two days, less than that, and here he is latching on just because both these men were the first to care for him in a long time. Could he get any more pathetic? 

_ Of course you can Anthony, being pathetic is your only talent. _

Sometimes he wished his mind would just shut the fuck up but it. Never. Did.

Once the performance is over Loki immediately looks at him and Tony leans up on the stage. All his insecurities and the way Loki’s smile make him feel are pressed deep, deep down and instead he puts on a little bit of press charm.

“Great performance as always,” he says. Loki just smiles wider and the way his eyes wrinkle at the sides does  _ things _ to Tony’s stomach. He ignores them.

“Should I save you and James a spot at a table? So we can hang?” he asks and he kind of immediately regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth. Too late to take them back though, guess he’s got to suck it up.

_ Suck it up Tony, we all know you’re just saying that you don’t like it because you’re a brat. Don’t be such a  _ **_killjoy_ **

Something lurches in his stomach but he suppresses it immediately. Everything is fine. Nothing’s wrong. Flashbacks are fake anyway. He’s  _ Fine _ . He hasn’t seen Tiberius in over two years, hasn’t heard his voice in longer and JARVIS blocks anything that has to do with him so Tony doesn’t have to deal with it, ever. 

Loki is still smiling down at him but he’s a little too out of breath to speak properly so he just nods. 

Tony slips back into the crowd, looking for an unoccupied table.

\---

Ty has been watching Tony like a hawk from the moment he walked out of the backstage area. He saw him shoulder his way to the front and sing. He also saw him talk to the band’s lead singer and something in his chest had twisted at that. Tony was  _ his _ . Tony had always been  _ his _ . Howard has said so and Howard was always right.

So when he sees Tony slip back into the crowd and make his way towards the tables he follows him from a distance. He walks differently now, with more confidence somehow. As if he doesn’t have a care in the world. 

Ty remembers how Tony used to walk when they were together. His shoulders hunched, making himself small. Ty always had an arm around his shoulder and he could feel Tony’s every flinch whenever he stroked his upper arms. He’d liked how jumpy Tony had been, he wondered if he could make him that jumpy again. Make that beautiful afraid expression bloom on his face like bruises did whenever Ty and his friends felt like kicking the shit out of him during holidays. The bruises were always healed before class started and no one knew anything. Rhodes might have been suspicious but without proof the fuck had been powerless. Whenever he walked past him with Tony Ty had smirked at him because, ‘I’m victorious, he’s mine. I can do whatever the fuck I want to.’ Rhodes would just have to suck it up.

But then MIT was over and Howard died and Tony was too busy and gone and then they broke it off. Then he hadn’t heard from him again and time had passed. But here they were, about the reunited after so much time apart. Ty couldn’t wait.

Tony sat down in a seat in the far back, but it was obvious to Ty how there was still a clear path from the table to the stage. The two men who Tony had ‘befriended’ couldn’t miss him.

Ty waited a bit for Tony to settle down completely. He waited until he ordered a drink and then when he saw that the men had disappeared backstage he advanced again. 

Tony was sat with his back to him and Ty slid into his booth easily. Wrapped an arm around him the same way he used to when they were still dating.

Tony had gone rigid underneath his hands. Ty smirked.

He leaned in close, right next to Tony’s ear and whispers, “Hello Tony, did you miss me.”

Tony’s hands shake and Ty feels on top of the world.

This is exactly what he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops.
> 
>  
> 
> Music List:  
> [ Younger - Ruel](https://youtu.be/r90FuOuqE60)  
> [ Never Not - Lauv](https://youtu.be/VT_hLby9uSY)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone should and will hate Tiberius and Tony deserves HUGS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'll apologise in advance.
> 
> TW:   
> So Tony has a panic attack, mentions of his kidnappings, allusion to past rape and sexual abuse and general Tiberius related fuckery. Tony also has like suicidal ideations, again.

Tony couldn’t breathe. There was a horribly familiar touch on his shoulder, a frighteningly familiar body pressed into his side, and an awfully familiar voice in his ears. He couldn’t  _ breathe _ . Because this, this was the stuff of nightmares. This was what he dreamed about on the nights that just his kidnappings weren’t enough to make him reach for the nearest bottle. This touch, that touches his body and covers it in disgusting slime and everything he hates about himself, is the only thing he hates more than the scars carved into him by his captors. He’s completely rigid, his back straight and his hands shake the same way they did for the first few weeks after he returned from captivity. 

“Come on Tony,” his greatest nightmare whispers, “cat got your tongue?” The way he speaks makes Tony want to scrub at his skin till it bleeds, till not even the faint touch of Tiberius is left. Till there’s nothing left of himself either. 

“I remember the  _ other _ uses your tongue had and I’d be interested in a revisit, wouldn’t you?” 

Tony had known that was coming, knew these words would follow. Tiberius had started things like this so many times. Taken all of Tony’s autonomy with a simple phrase and made Tony nothing but clay for him to mold.

Tiberius’s grip on Tony’s shoulder tightens and he stands, dragging Tony with him.

“I know exactly where to go,” Tiberius says, “your favourite back alley.” 

He drags him towards the bar’s back exit and Tony is half walking half stumbling along. He was so much better just a little while ago, thinking about the moment Loki and James would join him around the table for drinks, now here he was back to being powerless. This is why he should have jumped two days ago. He should have tried harder, he should have jumped again once James had let go of him but instead he’d stuck to them like some overgrown man child. His every action was proving Howard right and he hates that almost as much as he hates himself.

“I know your new little boy toys followed you in here,” Tiberius says as he pushes Tony’s limp body against the wall. “What did you do? Suck them off as a sign of gratitude? Let them fuck you against one of these dumpsters? Are you still as desperate as I remember?” Tiberius’s voice fades out, Tony isn’t focusing on him at all. He’s staring at a point over his shoulder, zoning out, forgetting that this body, this awful thing, belongs to him. He doesn’t feel it when Tiberius starts kissing his neck, he’s too busy thinking about how much better it would have been if he was either a corpse at the bottom of a river or another kidnapping victim never returned.

\---

Tiberius was enjoying this. He hadn’t felt powerful like this in ages. Tony was so pliant under him, so sweet, so limp. He was kissing Tony’s shoulder and the man wasn’t reacting at all. He was limp and pliant but he smelled the same. He tasted the same and Tiberius was sure that if Tony was capable of speech he would be making the same sounds he had when they were younger.

Tony was twenty-one now had been between ages fifteen and seventeen when they were going out. Tiberius had been eighteen from the start of whatever it is they had. Some of his friends had been even older. Tiberius had swept Tony up and warped his impressionable mind, made his hurts hurt more, made his insecurities flare up and multiplied them. He’d enjoyed it too, he’d enjoyed it every time that he’d degraded Tony or hurt him and the younger boy had still come crawling back to him because he had no one else.

Then Rhodes had come along but he was Tony’s only other anchor so he’d still come to Tiberius and Ty had enjoyed this. He’d enjoyed the powerful feeling whenever an emotionally vulnerable Tony had come knocking at his door. Tiberius had let him in and listened to him and later on would use Tony’s weaknesses against him.

The heedy powerful feeling he’d experienced in all those instances was bubbling up once more as he kissed the column of Tony’s neck. He could feel Tony’s pulse, it was beating rapidly, but Tony still hadn’t moved nor done anything. Tiberius continued kissing his neck and sucked a hickey into his skin. As he pulled back to admire his handy work there was a noise behind him. Ty didn’t pay it any mind, too busy reveling in his power. 

Then everything went black.

\---

James and Loki stepped back into the bar the moment they were done putting their instrument away. They scanned the room in search of Tony but seemingly couldn’t find him.

“He said he’d find an easy to spot seat,” Loki says.

“Maybe he went to the bathroom or something,” James replies. 

They wait a few minutes but there’s still no sign of Tony, then they notice how one of the bartenders is waving them over. They walk towards him.

“You’re friends with the dude with brown curly hair and big brown eyes, right? Wearing a leather jacket tonight and he’s got like an  _ amazing ass- _ ” 

Loki cuts him off by nodding affirmatively. 

“Well, I saw him go outside, back alley, with this big blond guy and he looked kinda petrified, I figured you’d want to know.” They both nod, worry settling under their skin, and make their way towards the back exit.

Loki’s first thought had been Steve but Steve was still in the backstage area, probably necking with Sam again, so he thought who else it could. He ran towards the back entrance when he realised that the only other male he’d heard Tony refer to who was blond and scared him was an ex of his. He’d had a panic attack the first time he saw Steve because he reminded him of the guy. 

Once Loki started running James sped up too and they almost slammed the door of the back alley open. Both of them looked around frantically for Tony and found him rather easily. 

He was hanging limply in the grip of a large blond man. The guy was definitely feeling Tony up and Tony, even from this distance, looked empty. He wasn’t moving, nor struggling against the man and was instead just letting it happen. Loki was about to rush over to them when the man leaned back from Tony and said something. Loki hadn’t been capable of discerning it, too strangely shocked and outraged by the sight before him but James had definitely heard.

James ran to the other side of the alley quickly and his stride was one hundred percent military discipline and efficiency. He reared back his arm, the non-metal one, and knocked the guy out with one blow and cradled Tony in his arms.

Loki rushed over to the two of them, Tony wasn't speaking nor moving. He was still, blinking sparsely, his eyes were dead.

They left the blond man in the alley after Loki had called and James was already carrying Tony back inside.

Whoever the man was would stay knocked out for at least a few hours and if all went well Loki would like for him to wake up in custody, and later, in prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending I guess??
> 
> THe last bits aren't my best work but I tried.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and until next time!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little bits of fluff and feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back again! This chapter probably isn't my best work because I had an awful case of writer's block. I finished this chapter in the last half an hour. 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy it!!

James carried Tony back inside with Loki next to him. He was holding Tony in his arms tightly, for the second time that same night and there was something protective bubbling in his chest. Tony didn’t deserve the things that were thrown at him, James didn’t think so at least. He knew that Loki didn’t either.

They’d only known the 21-year old for about two days but both of them already cared for him. Tony, as opposed to Tony Stark, was a vulnerable and sweet person. Easily capturing people’s hearts and never feeling deserving of anything they gave him. That’s the type of vibe James got from him. It reminded him of himself when he’d just come back from the military. The way he shied away from Loki’s kindness and the way he didn’t want help nor anyone’s sympathy. He was a killer, he saw himself as a killer and useless because he’d lost his arm and he had nightmares from which he woke up screaming to boot and no one should hang around him when all he brought was his own angsty bullshit.

Yet Loki had stayed, even when James had pushed him away. When James hadn’t spoken to him. When James had hurt him on purpose by digging into old wounds from their shared childhood. Loki had stayed and James would forever be grateful.

Looking down at Tony in his arms, he figured that Tony needed someone to stay too. So they both would.

For him.

\---

Tony woke up feeling like shit. But the sheets he was lying in were strangely familiar. They smelled familiar too. 

He blinked his eyes open slowly, the light caught his face and he presses his eyes shut. Toný tried to sit up in bed but he’s too exhausted to bother now. It’s a bone-deep kind of exhaustion. The one he’s awfully familiar with. It follows him around on his best days and engulfs him on his worst. But this is deeper, is etched into his bone marrow, it’s exhaustion only one person brings. Only one person has ever left him this tired and sad and ready to give it all up.

That’s when he remembers last night and he retches violently. Almost flings himself off the bed and heaves over the side. There’s bile in his throat and his stomach is growling and his vision swims and swims. Visions of Tiberius glow behind his eyes. Why couldn’t he still be unconscious?

The door slams open but Tony can’t make himself look up. He’s dry heaving and struggling to breathe. There’s a bucket underneath him and a soothing set of hands on his back. One hand has long thin fingers and the other is big and pats a steady rhythm on Tony’s back.

He calms down slowly. His breathing is the first thing to even out, then his stomach does and he can finally drag himself back up in bed and immediately slumps back in the pillows. That’s also when he registers who the hands belong to and he seizes up immediately.

Loki and James retract their hands from his back as if they’ve been stung and something sad, broken and lonely within Tony wails at the loss of contact, but he doesn’t say anything. He remembers what Tiberius’ touch felt like and he doesn’t want that kind of filth to rub off on anyone. Especially not Loki and James who’ve been so unreasonably nice to him when you think of how they met.

“How are you?” Loki asks and Tony doesn’t have an answer so he shrugs weakly. Loki hums lowly and nods once.

“We’ve made breakfast. You can join us in the living room if you want or we can bring your food here. Your pick,” James says. 

Tony thinks it over. Getting out of bed and having a meal would probably improve his mood a lot but he could barely get himself to shrug or speak so how could he ever get himself to the living room? He has an idea.

“What if,” he says slowly, “we ate here, together?” he finishes nervously. Loki and James are visibly surprised by his request and Tony's already opening his mouth to backpedal when James says, “Sure thing doll, we’ll be right back.” And drags Loki off to get their food.

The term of endearment registers once the both of them have left the room and Tony can feel a blush blossoming on his cheeks. 

“I’m a twenty-one-year-old man. I’m Tony fucking Stark,” he says to himself, “nicknames don’t make me blush.”

He sighs and falls back into the pillows. The lies we tell ourselves.

\---

“ _ Doll _ , really?” Loki teases, “Can it get any more forties Brooklyn?” 

“You don’t have to be jealous Lo,” James teases back, “This Brooklyn boy ain’t going anywhere.”

Loki laughs loudly and James revels in it. He likes hearing Loki laugh like this, it means he’s happy and that’s James’ top priority. Will continue to be for as long as Loki lets him, somewhere in the back of his mind he hopes it’s forever.

They get the breakfast they prepared. They put the plates and glasses of orange juice on a conveniently nearby cart and roll it back to Tony’s room.

Last night when James had carried Tony home JARVIS had let them in and pointed them to Tony’s bedroom. Where they’d put the now asleep genius to bed. JARVIS had said that was the best idea because Tony needed rest more than anything else.

“Sir has… problems with sleeping,” the AI had said. “Any sleep he gets is much appreciated by all those who care for him.”

They returned to the bedroom quickly and James made a point of it to knock playfully and say, “Room service,” in his customer service voice.

“I’ll let you in if you never do that again,” Tony said from inside the room and there was more intonation in his voice than there had been a few minutes ago. It made something in James’ chest relax and he took a deep steady breath. Loki opens the door for both of them and they walk in.

Whilst they were gone Tony had snuggled back in the pillows and asked JARVIS to let light in. Sunlight was seeping into the room, making Tony’s messy brown curls look almost golden in the light. There’s a slight flush on his cheek and even though there’s still something weary behind his eyes the smile he sends the both of them when he sees their smirks and the breakfast cart is genuine.

James’ heart skips a beat.

_ Oh Fuck. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Feelings have been Caught.
> 
> Next time (probably):
> 
> Loki and James talk (probably)  
> Tony is cute (definitly)  
> Time lapses (most surely)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with another chapter folks.  
> This still isn't my best work but even though it's holiday I still have a fuckton of work to do because my school _hates_ me.
> 
> TW:  
> A lot of little things, nothing too triggering just, tread carefully after the first --- section because Tony has a nightmare, type thing. But it's not in a lot of detail bc my brain isn't working.  
> Just be careful

James decides to talk to Loki later. Stellar choice.

So, they have breakfast with Tony and James tries his hardest not to notice how soft the young man looks like this and how fluffy his curls are. Instead he eats and talks and focuses on Loki. His boyfriend and the love of his life. Loki who’s wearing his hair in a plait this morning and the tip is resting on his collarbone. Loki who smiles at Tony with genuine care for the man. It’s beautiful and leaves James breathless and floating.

Then he notices the soft and tentative way that the corners of Tony’s mouth are curling up and he has to stop himself from staring. Then from screaming in frustration.

He has to talk to Loki about this. He has to. Just not now.

So he waits.

They go back to the club after breakfast, Tony is taking a nap, to get their instruments and bring them to their house. Before he’d fallen asleep Tony’d called one of his drivers - a dude called Happy Hogan (probably a nickname) - to come and drive them to and fro.  

Just after they’d arrived at their apartment and finished hoisting their equipment inside James decided to speak up.

“Lo,” he said, “we need to talk about something.” Loki’s movements had stilted and when he turned to James there’d been something almost like fear in his eyes. 

Loki took a deep, unsteady breath and asked, “Do you want to break up?” his voice quivered halfway through the question.

“No, no no. That’s not it at all,  _ at all _ ,” James said before Loki could even finish the question. “I’m staying as long as you’ll have me.”

“This is about something else,  _ someone  _ else.” That made Loki’s eyes widen a fraction.

“I think I might have something to tell you as well if that’s the case.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s talk about it tonight, over dinner. Can’t let Happy wait, can we?”

“Of course not,” Loki replied.

They intertwined their fingers as they walked back to the car. James squeezed Loki’s hand lightly and relief flooded through him when Loki squeezed back immediately.

\---

In Tony’s dream everything was dark and cold and clammy.

At first he was alone, then familiar footsteps came towards him. Slowly stalking closer to him and Tony couldn’t move.  _ He couldn’t move. _

Suddenly everything was bathed in light and there stood Tiberius. Closer than Tony had thought he was, grinning like the big bad wolf. Tony still couldn’t run and Tiberius seemed to pick up on that.

“Can’t run, can you?” he said, “Maybe that means that you don’t want to. How’s that for a thought.”

“You’re all pretty and still for me, waiting for me devour you.  _ Waiting for me so you can  _ pleasure  _ me, like the little  _ slut  _ you are.” _

Tiberius stepped closer and closer to him and he was in Tony’s space but he still couldn’t move. Couldn’t get Tiberius’ slimy hands off him. He was rubbing grime and his disgusting self all over Tony and he wanted to scream but he couldn’t. He couldn’t.  _ He Couldn’t _ .

“Tony,” Tiberius said and then he repeated it over and over and a familiar voice called him, “Sir.”

Tony shot up in bed, panting. His cheeks were wet and his throat dry. He felt cold and alone. As if someone had doused him in cold water and was taunting him with a towel that he knew he wouldn’t get.

James and Loki were standing next to the bed and JARVIS was rattling off the usual information for when Tony had a nightmare or panic attack. He let the words calm him as his heartbeat slowed down gradually. 

Eventually he turns to Loki and James and says a weak, “Hey,” and waves awkwardly. They smile at him, wide but a little hesitant, it still makes something warm bubble in Tony’s chest. But then his chest clenches when he sees Loki and James’ intertwined fingers. Of course, yeah, he’d almost forgotten.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he says and Loki and James make way for him as he carefully gets out of the bed. 

“We’ll prepare lunch,” Loki says.

“Don’t bother, JARVIS can order from my favourite sushi place or something. You guys place an order too, on me. As a sign of gratitude.” Tony can see that they want to protest but he slams the bathroom door closed behind him before they can. 

Time to scrub himself clean until he can’t feel Tiberius’ hands on him anymore.

\---

Loki and James walked back into the living room. Still holding hands but also a little on edge because of their looming conversation that evening. They order food with JARVIS, sushi from Tony’s favourite place and start to set the table. 

When they’re almost done setting the table a woman walks into the living room, they hadn’t heard her come in. 

She has red hair and is wearing a suit, a stack of files in her hands.

“Tony,” she yells whilst looking down at her paperwork and when she doesn’t get a response she looks up. And halts completely when she notices Loki and James.

“Who are you?” she asks, voice hard, “Where’s Tony.” It wasn’t a question, she phrased it like a threat.

“Sir is in the shower Ms Potts,” JARVIS said before either Loki or James could open his mouth. “These are  Mr Loki Laufeyson and Sergeant James Barnes, they’re Sir’s… newfound friends.”

The woman, Ms Potts, scrutinized them carefully. She didn’t trust them at all.

“We found him when Mr Stone came after him,” Loki said.

“Punched his lights out and called the cops,” James added and some of the distrust left her eyes and stance.

“Well, thank you for looking out for him, he hasn’t been taking care of himself much lately. I haven’t properly spoken to him in a few days as well.”

“No problem ma’am, Tony’s a swell guy, fun to hang around with.”

“Would you be capable of telling us what’s going to happen with Mr Stone?” Loki asks hesitantly and Ms Potts’ focus shifts to him immediately.

“He’s going to get exactly what he deserves. He’s out on bail right now but there’s an ongoing investigation,” she says, “because these aren’t the first sexual assault allegations against him.” There’s hatred in her eyes as she speaks of him.

“If I have any say in it he goes to jail for life but I’ll be satisfied with ruining his career and the rest of his life. That’s why I’m here actually.” She walks towards them and sits on the sofa, back straight and going through her papers again.

“I wanted to ask if Tony had a statement he would want to give to the police to help in the investigation and otherwise I’d ask if JARVIS could help with compiling evidence. The more we have and the more incriminating the better.”

“Would it be a good idea to confront him with it immediately?” Loki asks, “It happened last night wouldn’t it be bad if we asked him to recount the entire endeavour so soon?”

“Shouldn’t we give him some time to process first?” James adds, “So he is a bit more collected when he does have to talk about it?” 

She contemplated their answer. 

“You do have a point there, but I still need him to sign a few things and we don’t even know if Tony wants to go after Tiberius for this, although I wouldn’t get it if he didn’t.”

“It’s his choice at the end of the day right? This happened to him, and I’ve got a feeling that it wasn’t the first time.” James says. Ms Potts seemed genuinely confused and concerned by that.

“How do you mean, wasn’t the first time?” she asks.

“Well, I’ve heard him say bits and pieces about this Tiberius fellow and when he saw my best friend Steve, his first response was to flinch pretty hard. They look alike.”

“I didn’t know that,” she said.

“And maybe there was a reason for that,” a sharp voice cuts in. They all snap their head to the source of the noise. Tony, dressed comfortably in sweatpants and a T-shirt, stands there, looking at them with something akin to betrayal in his eyes.

Before any of them can get a word in he speaks, “Maybe, I didn’t tell you, Pepper, because it’s in the past."

“Maybe I didn’t tell you because it’s something that I don’t like to talk about.  _ Maybe I didn’t tell you because it’s none of your goddamn business _ .” He looks at James and Loki and his posture is vulnerable and angry, his eyes are screaming with rage and sadness.

“And  _ you _ ,” he says to them, “Just because you made sure that I couldn’t save the world from me and fling myself off a bridge,” Pepper gasps quietly, “ doesn’t mean that you have some sort of free pass for telling people about my personal issues.  _ I don’t  _ fucking _ care that Pepper seems close to me, that doesn’t mean you can tell her my stuff. That’s mine to say, mine to discuss. _ ”

“I’m not as fucking frail as you all seem to think I am and honestly it would benefit all of us, by which I mean me, if you fucked off right now.” He looks at them and his voice is hurt and angry and a million other emotions when he says, “Get out of my house, now.”

They get up quickly, grabbing their shoes and coats and putting them on. They’ve left the house in seconds but they don’t know that Tony is watching them leave.

They don’t know he breaks down crying the moment they’re out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?  
> Yeah my end notes from last time were basically a lie, I gave you a little bit of happiness and then ANGST. Oops.  
> Things will be happier eventually, I'm just made of depression and sadness so Tony gets it.
> 
> See y'all next week! And please leave a comment, they make my day.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad stuff and conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah shorter chapter, I don't like it at all either but I don't have much more time this week and I'd rather keep up my schedule bc otherwise everything else I have planned will get fucked up. So bear with me
> 
> Next chapter will (hopefully) be better
> 
> TW:   
> Tony is a little suicidal at the start but it's really only one or two lines.  
> Loki and James are anxious but that's it.

The sushi arrived five minutes after the others had left. Tony stuffed it in the fridge but didn’t touch it. He just left it there and stumbled back to his workshop. 

He craved alcohol with every fiber of his being, or any other sort of sedative but he’d thrown them out when he returned from captivity. He had to be more responsible and the most responsible act had been to try and rid the world of himself but see where that led him. He was back where he started, in his workshop, alone, after pushing away three out of five people that could tolerate him. Fan- _ fucking _ -tastic.

“JARVIS, Lockdown mode. No one gets in, no one goes through.” He’s going to build and create and not sleep until he collapses and maybe he’ll hit his head on the corner of one of the workshop tables so he’ll never have to wake up again.

\---

Loki is trying to hold back tears as he walks home with James. They’re holding hands, squeezing tight and drawing strength from each other. Tony was really upset, royally upset, and he gets it. They violated his privacy, in his best interest, but still. They shouldn’t have discussed this without his knowledge. 

And things had been going so  _ well _ , too. They’d been developing some sort of friendship, getting to know each other a little in these three little days and now that’s down the drain. All of it. 

Loki had hoped, he’d hoped that, if their friendship with Tony continued on the same path that he could discuss with James if they could try bringing Tony into their relationship. Then James had said that he wanted to talk and after the initial panic Loki had a feeling that they might have a common interest. That Tony could be their common interest and here they were, fucking it all up.

They arrived sooner rather than later, neither of them had spoken a word. They might later but Loki knew that James would think this through himself first and then talk when he was ready. Loki tended to do the same either way.

He started to prepare some food for the two of them almost absentmindedly. His thoughts were with Tony a bit more than they were with the food he was making but he didn’t burn the anything down so that’s always good.

James walks back into the living room just as Loki is done preparing food and they snuggle up on the couch together as they eat in silence.

“So,”Loki starts and he doesn’t really know what he wants to say yet. Should they talk about what happened with Tony earlier (wouldn’t that just be furthering Tony’s point?) or should they discuss whatever it was they were going to talk about before? Their common interest that might be down the drain?

“Yeah,” James says. “We can talk about what I wanted to say earlier, I’m pretty sure that that’s never going to happen anyway.” Loki, if he’s right about what this is, agrees inwardly.

“Well,” James says, “I think, that I was kinda getting a crush. On Tony.” James lets out a deep breath once he’s said it.

“Okay,” Loki says, “go on.” There is no judgement in his voice, he just wants to know what James wants to say.

“And,” James continues, “I would never,  _ never _ , act on it behind your back. Won’t even have to act on it anyway, seeing recent events.

“Just, I love you and my first reaction to realising that I kinda liked Tony was panic and  _ guilt _ . Because it feels like I’m doing something wrong and I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore just. I don’t want to break up with you, the feelings that I’ve discovered for Tony don’t mean that my feelings for you are gone, I don’t even think that that’s possible. I’ll follow your opinion on this matter, I’ll do whatever to make you more comfortable with it because we’re probably never talking to Tony again but this is still going to make you anxious I suppose and I don’t want you to feel insecure because of me.”

James isn’t looking at him, his gaze is on the food in his lap and Loki knows that he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. That he’s waiting for anger, fury, for scathing commentary and everything else mean. Instead of any of these things Loki holds his hand. 

Loki knows that James isn’t expecting this, garners his confusion from the way his muscles clench underneath Loki’s fingers.

“James,” Loki starts, “I’m not mad at you and I’m not going to break up with you either.”

James breathes in deeply, as if he’s genuinely surprised by this response. It hurts Loki to think that James still sees himself as someone so easily disposable. 

“Your crush on Tony is something we’d be talking about soon either way because I wanted to discuss my budding feelings for Tony with you as well.”

James turns his head sharply at that, looking at Loki with surprise and confusion in his eyes.

“You have feelings for Tony too? But-. What?”

“I felt some feelings stirring for our new friends a day or so ago and I was contemplating them for myself before I came to you with them.”

“Guess this is all part of Tony’s charm,” James says and there’s something wistful in his tone.

“Yeah.” Neither of them expect for Tony to ever speak to them again after this. Because whatever happens next is in Tony’s hands. They’ve already threatened his autonomy, now they have to give it all to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, bad ending I know.  
> I'm trying.  
> Next chapter will have some more pepper and I promise that they'll make up but not yet.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting to try to fix mistakes & fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sliglty longer chapter I know. Blame NaNoWriMo. It would have been longer probably, I've got way more to write (this week we have a ... cliffhanger) but I didn't have time, maybe next time. My WIP for NaNo is definitely advancing at a pace I want it to but overall I'm just happy to be writing some more and you guys are benefitting from it for sure. 
> 
>  
> 
> Please enjoy!

Virginia ‘Pepper’ Potts would like to call herself a good friend. However her actions of the previous night and Tony’s reaction to them would indicate differently. Really she never did anything to be intentionally malicious. Especially not towards Tony. They might have broken up but she still wanted what’s best for him, always. 

_ Oh _ , she thinks,  _ I thought about what would make me the happiest instead of what he would want. _

She knows she has to apologise, she just isn’t completely sure how to go about it. Tony sometimes thinks that the bare minimum of regret is enough for someone like him. Pepper still wants him to realise that he deserves the world and more.  _ So much more _ . She’d failed spectacularly at that going off of Tony’s own words.

_ “Just because you made sure that I couldn’t save the world from me and fling myself off a bridge,”  _ he’d said that. Tony had and Pepper knows Tony well enough, had time to learn the different inflections of his voice before they pushed each other away and this, that sentence, it had  _ hurt _ . Hearing it was like hearing nails going over chalkboard, like being doused in water and cut till you  _ bleed _ . That sentence had held Tony’s conviction, his views about himself, it had combinations of every inch of hurt he’d accumulated throughout his life. It made Pepper want to scream.

She’d been there when Tony came back from captivity. She’d heard the hurt in his voice when he said, “ _ I never got to say goodbye to my father. There's questions I would've asked him. I would've asked him how he felt about what his company did, if he was conflicted, if he ever had doubts. Or maybe he was every inch of man we remember from the newsreels. I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them. And I saw that I had become part of a system that is comfortable with zero-accountability.” _

A reporter asked him what happened to him and Pepper had noticed the slight tremor that ran through Tony’s body at the words, she’d noticed how it took him a little longer to form his reply, how his breathing didn’t come as easily as it had before.

_ “I had my eyes opened. I came to realize that I had more to offer this world than just making things that blow up. And that is why, effective immediately, I am shutting down the weapons manufacturing division of Stark Industries.” _

Of course she’d been shocked by his words, of course she had wondered what this would mean for the company but she’d also seen Tony before. She’d known him after other hurts, known him and learned his voice. So she recognised the hurt in it as he spoke, recognised every scrap of his trauma and resolved to stand with him. Because if the words he spoke were spoken with such conviction through all the hurt then Tony had to have a plan. 

And she trusted him.

She wonders now if that has changed. If she doesn’t trust him like she used to because she hadn’t thought him capable of making his own decision in regards to Tiberius. Hadn’t  _ trusted _ him to make a decision that would be the best for himself. She’d taken it in her own hands and proceeded to implement  _ her _ best interest.

Tony had made her remember exactly who she followed and why she did so when he’d spoken, spoken with  _ feeling _ . Tony’s convictions have always been strong things and this isn’t one she agrees with but it’s opened her eyes to her mistakes. She had to apologise, but she wasn’t the only one.

Time to make some calls.

\---

Loki and James are ready to stumble into bed when Loki’s phone rings. It’s an unknown number and when Loki presses the phone to his ear he definitely isn’t expecting Ms Potts to be on the other side.

“This is Mr Laufeyson, right?” she asks when he doesn’t reply to her immediately. James looks at him with concern. Loki wonders exactly how confused his face must look for him to react like that.

“Yes, of course. Ms Potts,” he says and he can’t help but smile at how James’ eyes widen in surprise. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asks.

“Well, Mr Laufeyson if I can put it a bit informally. We fucked up earlier today and if you and your partner care as much about Tony as you seem to do you’re probably also thinking of a million and one ways to apologise, am I correct in this assumption?”

“You are. James and I regret our actions of today deeply and will take any opportunity to apologise. If Tony would be willing to see us of course.”

“Of course,” she says, “how about we leave the matter to rest for now and instead meet up for lunch somewhere tomorrow, the three of us?”

Loki looks at James who’s standing close. He’s heard Ms Potts’ question and is already nodding his head. Doesn’t have anything to do for lunch yet and neither does Loki.

“Sounds ideal, James and I are both available. Where will we be meeting you?”

Ms Potts gives them the address of a tiny restaurant near where they live and they say to meet up at twelve. 

After he’s hung Loki slumps against James who wraps his arms around him. Loki presses a soft kiss to James’ collarbone and murmurs, “Let’s go to bed.” 

They walk to the bedroom together and strip quickly. They’re pressed close together in nothing but boxers when they’re finally situated. Loki’s head resting on James’ shoulder and James’ arms around him. 

Loki kisses James shoulder absentmindedly and whispers a sleepy, “I love you.”

The last thing he hears before he succumbs to sleep is James whispering a soft, “I love you too.”

\---

The following morning James wakes slow. 

His dreams had been peaceful for once in forever and the first thing he heard when he returned to the land of the living was Loki’s soft breathing. Slow and even. His head was still resting on James’ shoulder even though James was laying completely on his back. Slowly James curls himself back around Loki and rests his chin on Loki’s head. Breathes him. He smells like pine trees, the scent of the shampoo he uses and when he trails his fingers across Loki’s cheek the skin feels cold so he cups his cheek softly and pulls Loki closer to him, carefully.

He’s beautiful like this, sleepy and perfect. His hair not yet perfectly styled and instead curling and twisting behind him. The sharp edges in his face softened by sleep brought relaxation. James wished he could stay like that forever. Wake up with Loki in their bed like this until the end of their days and beyond. A future like that almost seems attainable to him nowadays and it’s progress. Immense progress from the person he was a few years ago. Barely accepting that Loki hadn’t kicked him out yet with all the nightmares he had and how he couldn’t get out of the house on his best days, couldn’t leave his bed on his worst. Now here was in the early morning hours accepting that this was his. That he was content in moments like these and that he could see a future with Loki ahead of him.

Of course that had to be the moment that his thoughts trailed to Tony. Tony who they were going to apologise to as soon as possible because they’d wronged him. Tony who smiled like the sun when he was really enjoying himself. Tony who’d been hurt before and was expecting to be hurt again and again and again. 

Tony with the messy brown curls and hazel eyes. Butterflies fluttered in James’ stomach and as he pushed them down Loki started to stir.

Loki always wakes up slowly. First his legs twitch and then his fingers move. Then he opens his mouth in a leftover sleepy mumble. Then he opens his eyes and the emerald green warms James to his core. A tiny bit of him feels guilty because he’d been thinking about Tony before but the conversation they had the previous next replayed in his head. Loki wasn’t mad, Loki had some feelings for Tony too and their current predicament should first be changed before thinking about Tony should even be a concern of theirs.

“Good morning Lo,” James says softly and Loki murmurs a good morning back. James presses a kiss to Loki’s forehead and Loki curls closer to him.

“Can we stay like this a little longer?” He asks and James hums his assent.

They lay in bed like that, Loki curled into James’ chest and James’ arms wrapped around Loki for who knows how long. It could have been minutes or hours, James wasn’t paying attention to time at all. His breathing was slow and steady. He was warm and his boyfriend was in his arms, he was content.

When Loki did finally move to get up James was the one that groaned for him to stay. Loki laughed before kissing him softly before saying that if he got up now they could shower together.

James got up pretty quickly after that.

They had a nice breakfast and after they call Sam and Steve to ask about their next repetition and if they had any suggestions for new songs they should look into. Sam asked after Tony and if he was okay, Loki’s expression was pained when he said that Tony was fine but Sam did buy it and that’s what matters.

Once they’ve finished all their currently important tasks they lay down on the couch together and cuddle. Until they have to go to the restaurant to meet with Miss Potts that is.

\---

Pepper arrives at the restaurant early but only by a few minutes. It gives her the time to take a deep breath and settle herself though and that is something for which she is grateful. She is somewhat worried about how her meeting with James and Loki will go. They're seemingly good people but nothing is ever easy when it comes to Tony. Which isn't a bad thing, but when it comes to his feelings he's always been more fragile than he lets on. Once again she thinks of how she should have known better than to disregard his feelings like she did but it's too late. What's been done has been done. All she can do now is make up for it.

Or keep trying until Tony tells her to quit (which is a rather likely scenario, he doesn't think he deserves apologies when people have wronged him).

James and Loki arrive a few minutes later and they walk into the tiny restaurant together. Loki is wearing a dress shirt and black slacks with an emerald coat whilst James is in black skinny jeans, a blueish shirt and a leather jacket. His dog tags hang from his neck and there’s something in his step that Pepper recognises as pride.

Once they’re settled at a table and have ordered Pepper feels ready to get to business.

“Good day gentleman. We all know why we’re here today… “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope y'all enjoyed.  
> There isn't a lot of stuff that's really advancing the plot, but I figured it's nice to take it slow sometimes.  
> Leave a comment or criticism or whatever, it fuels me in my trying exam week times, and until next week!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _This is my destiny_   
>  _Don't smile on me_   
>  _Light on me_   
>  _Because I can't go to you_   
>  __  
> **There's no name to call**  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, First of all this story is getting a little messy, but I'm getting it back on track I promise.  
> A few more chapters I think and then it'll be finished. (This also really isn't my best work and for that I really do want to apologise y'all)  
> I hope you enjoy! And thank you to everyone who comments and says something, I might not reply to everything (bc I'm awkward) but it means so much to me.
> 
> Also RIP Stan Lee, I have been a Marvel fan for a while now and it's really given me a reason to keep going, I can't imagine what my life would be like without it. 
> 
> TW:Child Abuse and light suicidal ideation

“Good day gentleman. We all know why we’re here today, I presume?” Pepper starts and James and Loki nod slowly.

“To discuss a way to apologise to Tony, is what we presumed,” Loki says.

“In essence, yes and I had something else to ask you as well.”

“Well let’s get to it then,” Loki says and there’s something in his voice that Pepper can’t quite place but it doesn’t feel all too friendly.

“I’ve known Tony for a very long time now and in regards to apologising to him, we should do it separately and without any big gesture. Give him space and make sure that he gets that we understand why he’s upset. I’ve been worried about him these past few days and honestly the apologies aren’t as much why I wanted to talk to you as something else is.”

Loki and James stare at her and she knows she’s been rambling, which she normally never does but she’s been worried about Tony and sometimes that goes against her efficiency. A little.

She takes a deep breath.

“What I meant to say was, Tony’s birthday is coming up about a month from now, on the 29th of May and if all goes well I’d like for all of us to organise something for his birthday, maybe?”

\---

Tony woke up and wondered why he wasn’t dead. He woke up, cracked his eyes open really slow and everything within him was yearning for death, destruction and  _ pain _ .

Sometimes he gets this feeling, and it’s ugly and self-destructive and it  _ hurts _ but this feeling it makes him feel  _ Alive _ . It crawls through his body, making everything tingle like he’s being shocked over and over and over again. And it makes him want to invent until he dies but at the same time his limbs are too heavy for him to move. 

He’s on the ground, in the middle of the workshop, he probably passed out sometime last night and now he wonders why he hadn’t just fucking hit his head on something so he wouldn’t have to deal with anything in this moment.

He’s on the ground, lying still and it feels like gravity is pulling on him stronger than it ever has before. So he doesn’t move and instead he allows his thoughts to spiral and everything bad to carry him away, away,  _ away _ .

\---

Tony remembers this well, the first time Howard beat the everloving shit out of him had been engraved into his brain. He would never get rid of it. He’d come downstairs, into the workshop and Howard and Obadiah had been talking about something. Tony had interrupted them to show Howard the robot dog he’d built.

Howard had sent Obadiah away and then beat the everloving shit out of him.

Then after that it would be a somewhat frequent occurance. Whenever Tony did anything that Howard didn’t approve of he’d get hit. Beat up, whatever you called it.

He still had the scars from the belt buckle on his back.

_ The grown-ups were talking Anthony. Nobody wants to see your shit excuse for a machine. _

_ I didn’t want you down here for a reason. _

_ You got a ninety-seven percent on your test? Weren’t you supposed to be a genius? _

_ You’re fucking useless. _

Tony knew he was spiralling. He was spiralling far and deep down. Letting everything drown him. But he didn’t mind. He’d lashed out at Pepper, Loki and James. Rhodey was still with the airforce and neither Happy nor Bruce were available either.

He felt alone, the same type of alone he’d become intimately familiar with before he met Rhodey at MIT.

He kind of wanted to die, but he didn’t have the energy to get up and do something about it.

So he stayed on the floor, having something of an out of body experience until JARVIS said something.

He didn’t hear what, he was passing out again.

\---

Loki and James went over to Tony’s house the day after their talk with Ms Potts. They wanted to apologise and figured that sooner would be better than later. 

They stepped up to the front door and Loki moved to ring the bell but the door swung open of its own accord. They hesitantly made their way into the house and were met with JARVIS’ voice.

“Mr Laufeyson, Sergeant Barnes, please come down to the workshop. There is something wrong with Sir and he has forbidden me from calling the authorities or anyone for that matter.” JARVIS  sounded frantic and worried, not things that Loki ever expected a computer voice to sound like and after the initial shock, the two of them sprung into action. Following JARVIS’ directions to the workshop. 

There was worry bubbling in their gut, nausea making its way up their throats and then they stormed into the workshop.

At first they didn’t see Tony and Loki could feel his hands clench and unclench, he heard James’ metal arm do the same, the gears squeezing together.

They moved further into the workshop, searching for Tony.

James was the one that found him.

He was awfully pale and James couldn’t fully discern if he was breathing or not. Dark bags underneath his eyes, indicating that he hadn’t slept. He was in a pair of sweats and a tank top, James’ eyes widened as he saw the scars that littered Tony’s chest and arms, the thickest scarring being over his heart.

James put two fingers to Tony’s neck as he called out for Loki to come over, feeling for a pulse and having relief flood him as he found it. Loki had now reached his side and was dialling the authorities as James slowly lifted Tony into his arms.

He carried him back to the living room and they waited until the ambulance arrived. JARVIS told them that he was dialling Colonel Rhodes and Miss Potts and when the ambulance came they climbed in the back with Tony.

They were each holding one of his hands, worried out of their minds.

Wishing with everything within them that Tony would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... That happened.  
> We'll see how Tony is doing next week.  
> Also the text in the summary is some more lyrics from [The Truth Untold by BTS](https://youtu.be/8JVytJm8X2g).


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I ain't dead.  
> Sorry for abandoning this work for a while but I just lost inspiration and then school took up all my time. (I've visited so many prospect universities that I'm kinda losing my mind) either way. I kinda finished this story in a rush so this isn't a particularly good chapter nor am I particularly proud of it but not posting it would probably just give me a headache.  
> I hope you enjoy and thanks to everyone who left a kudo or a comment or bookmarked this work. It's made me really happy to see that people actually enjoy the stuff I write. Maybe I'll see some of you again with one of my other fics!

Tony didn’t wake up for a while. But when he did he wasn’t amused. At. All.

He took one look around his hospital room, saw Pepper, James and Loki and immediately asked, “What the fuck is this?” 

James wondered how someone could sound this angry after just waking up from a malnourishment coma. Another part of his brain was relieved that Tony was alright. The stupidest part of his brain was kind of weirdly focused on the way Tony’s curls were placed because of how he’d been laying down. Which is fucked up, and he’s trying to tell his brain this is inappropriate but nope, not working. Great.

“You’re in hospital Tony,” Ms Potts says and Tony looks at her as if she’s grown a third head.

“Why the fuck am I in hospital Pepper, I thought I banned all of you from my property?”

“JARVIS let us in,” Loki interjects, “We came past your house yesterday evening and you were passed out on your workshop floor, we called an ambulance and now we’re here.”

“Hold up, how long was I out?” 

“Most of the night and a bit of the morning.”

“Well, great,” Tony says and he starts getting up from the bed. He can almost raise himself up but his arms give way beneath him. He curses and goes to try again but Pepper holds him down.

“Stay in bed,” she says, “Please Tony, just let us take care of you.”

“Well that's the problem Pep,” he says, “I don't fucking need to be taken care of. Stop coddling me, I'm not someone you need to take care of.”  _ I don't deserve it _ , goes unsaid.

Everything hurts those first few hours. 

Tony speaks in nothing but sharp shards of glass. Pepper, James and Loki are moving around him carefully. Walking on eggshells, refusing to leave. Somewhere deep down he might appreciate their stubborness and how much they care but it’s washed over by anger and the thoughts within his head. Something within him screams on repeat, ‘ _ Why don’t you just let me  _ die’, and they do not fuel it. They stay as he moves back to his own home. Pepper visits every day and Loki and James have let to leave his side. All three of them had apologised to him whilst he was still in hospital and he’d forgiven them.

“We shouldn’t have spoken about your life as if we had any right to change it or somehow effect it,” Loki had said. James had explained that they had been worried about him and that they wanted what they had perceived as best for him. As justice, without taking into account that this was  _ his _ life and that they shouldn’t be making the decisions for him.

He’d had the same type of heart to heart with Pepper. Talking to her for hours and ending up on the hospital bed together, crying and hugging. The way Pepper had whispered brokenly that, “ _ I don’t want to  _ lose _ you _ .” had done something to Tony’s insides and suppressed the darkness left behind by Ty and Howard and Obadiah. Pressed it to the back of his mind a bit so it wasn’t all he thought about anymore.

The first few days that he was back at his own home, Pepper, Loki and James had taken care of him together but Pepper went back to her work soon after, with his blessing. She did a lot of his work for him and brought around paperwork at the end of the day. Which he signed before she’d join Loki, James and him for dinner.

Together with Loki and James Tony had kind of fallen into some type of domestic routine after the first day or so. They stayed in one of the guest rooms and brought Tony breakfast in bed. James carried him from the bed to the sofa and they fed him and watched movies together. After the first week Loki and James started bringing over their instruments and some days they played for him.

One occurrence that Tony had also been incredibly surprised with was the reappearance of Steve Rogers. James and Loki hadn’t played with the band for about a week and Tony knew that they gave the other guys updates on what was happening and how they were doing but they had yet to really go out and leave Tony alone. Then Steve and Sam came by Tony’s house. Steve apologised to him for what he’d said, for the things he’d assumed solely because he’d known Howard and drawn conclusions from the media. In private he’d told Tony that, “Anyone who can make B-James and Loki look like  _ that _ is alright in my book.” Tony had been confused with what he’d meant, some other, more deeply hidden part of him had  _ hoped _ .

\---

Rhodey came to visit two days after he’d been discharged from the hospital. He barged into the house and when he stormed into the living room and saw Tony, wrapped in a blanket, laying on Loki and James, feet in Loki’s lap, head in James’. He started crying and laughing at the same time. 

It was a strange sight, seeing Colonel James Rhodes, his Rhodey-bear and, in a lot of situations, his rock and only friend, cry like that. It was ugly crying too, full on sobbing and heaving and whimpers. Tony had gotten up from the couch and wrapped himself, with his blanket, around Rhodey. They’d stood there for a while and Rhodey was whispering beratings into his ear telling him to take care of himself and keep himself safe because, “You’re one of the most important people in my life Tones, I wouldn’t be myself without you.” Which made that Tony started crying and then they were both crying whilst Loki and James looked on confusedly from the couch.

Later on, Rhodey was properly introduced to the couple. When Tony fell asleep on them during a movie he discussed with them exactly what they thought they were doing. They said they wanted to be there for him and help him in any way they could. Rhodey left that night to go back to base and everything within him felt lighter.

\---

A month or so later Loki and James had another performance with their band at  _ Pride _ . Tony came with again. So did Rhodey and Pepper. With all of them present Tony felt on top of the world. See in the time after his hospitalisation he’d become closer to Loki and James but nothing had happened in the feelings department. Sometimes they fell asleep on each other on the couch and Loki had started a habit of kissing him on the forehead or cheek in passing and every fiber of Tony’s touch starved being had taken to it like a fish to water. James cooked for him, often. Or made foods that he knew Tony liked when he needed the comfort after a nightmare or when his thoughts got him down. Now Loki and James had invited him to this concert and after their performance Tony considered making a move and asking them out. The affectionate gestures and longing looks the three of them shared had become one of Rhodey’s favourite things to complain about and Tony, at this point,  _ wanted _ the other two too much to want to let potential heartbreak hold him back.

So after the performance it would be.

\---

The song they started the performance with was the same song that Tony had heard Loki sing that first night before he knew anything about the two of them and before he had figured out that living might not be so bad.  _ The Truth Untold _ blasted through the bar and it’s a sad song of unrequited love and hope lost but at the end of it Tony felt almost uplifted.

The next song up was  _ If You Want Love _ and Loki sang it with heart and passion. 

_ If you want love, you gon’ have to go  _

_ Through the pain _

_ If you want love, you gon’ have to learn _

_ How to change _

_ If you want trust, you gon’ have to give  _

_ Some away _

_ If you want love, if you want love. _

Proclaiming the lyrics like a truth he believed in wholeheartedly. Which, as Tony thought about it, he had with James.

After that song they moved onto something a little bit more sweet.  _ Cure _ by Barcelona.

_ So take away all my sin _

_ Give me a sweet prayer on my lips _

_ And take it off _

_ Take me in _

_ I wanna make love to you _

_ Put your hands on my chest _

_ I’ll make you feel like you’ve been blessed _

_ Put my words to the test _

_ I wanna make love to you _

Somehow Tony felt as if Loki was looking directly at him as he sang the lyrics but he chalked it up to his imagination and his nerves. After a multitude of other songs, all about love, they came to their last song. For this one they brought out acoustic instruments, just like they had for the first performance Tony ever went to.  _ Sink in _ was a soft song but the way Loki sang it made it sound like reverence.

_ I’m weighed down by your beautiful _

_ Collapsing underneath your perfect _

_ Drowning in your wonderful _

_ And I’m letting you sink in _

_ It’s, it’s almost unbearable _

_ I’m suffering inside your magic _

_ Love you something terrible _

_ And I’m letting you sink in _

_ And I’m letting you sink in _

 

Tony was backstage together with Rhodey and Pepper when the band was finished. He waited for them to put their instruments away and after some encouragement from Rhodey and Pepper he asked Loki and James if he could talk to them for a moment, in private.

Before he could even say anything James blurted out, “Do you want to go out with us?” Tony’s brain took a few moments to process this newly acquired information but he was saying yes as soon as he caught on. James and Loki pulled him in for a hug and then a kiss and for the first time in a while Tony smiled wide when thinking of the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back right in time for the Holiday seasons, let's call it a Christmas miracle.  
> I hope you guys all have happy holidays and a happy new year and that you're not too upset with me for how I'm ending this.  
> Peace~
> 
> Music used:  
> [The Truth Untold - BTS](https://youtu.be/8JVytJm8X2g)  
> [If You Want Love - NF](https://youtu.be/LfxY1sg5_rw)  
> [Cure - Barcelona](https://youtu.be/U74KUeM0Ezc)  
> [Sink In - Amy Shark](https://youtu.be/iSc9r8O_k4A)

**Author's Note:**

> I Promise It gets better and less sad, it's just gonna, y'know, take a while. I kinda hate how much I wrote Stark Men are made of Iron.  
> Constructive criticism and other comments are much appreciated!
> 
> Songs used in this Chapter are:  
> [ BTS- The Truth Untold](https://youtu.be/pKbWGhV0QbE)  
> [Ke$ha -Hymn](https://youtu.be/BttTkcU4a1c)


End file.
